Thursday, March 13, 2008

D-Day is approaching

My birthday is 7 months and 26 days from today, and I haven't done a dang-blang thing to get to my authentic self. I'm not eating right or exercising on a consistent basis. I've fallen off the wagon with my vitamins and water intake. AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Well, it isn't all bad. I'm blogging a regular basis, which is first for me. I've tried keeping journals and diaries for years with no success. I have stopped watching as much television as I was a month ago (thank you writer's strike for helping me break the habit). I'm dancing 6 times a week (3 double lessons) and am ready for my next competition in a couple of weeks. BTW, I'm ready to publicly admit that my ballroom dancing is one of my passions. Yes, I love it and I don't ever want to stop doing it. I know that "admitting the addiction" is the first step to a cure, but I don't ever want to be cured of this.

I leave for Honolulu in a couple of weeks and I have to buy a swim suit. I had hoped to at least be down 1 dress size by now, but to no avail. I'll have to get one in my size, which is "healthy." I'm told, "I carry my weight well," what the hell does that mean? I'm fat, but it's okay because I'm not sloppy or smelly or I'm fat and you know to dress for your size so as not to draw attention to access pounds. Whatever the meaning, I don't want to carry anything more than I'm supposed to as a 5'7" woman.

I'm trying to convince myself that it will be easier in the spring and summer because I'll be able to walk outside...b***sh**! I won't do anything about how I look until I'm sick & tired of looking the way I do. This is where the problem lies, I look pretty good for a fat chick. I do dress well to cover, hide, camouflage, etc. those problem areas. I keep my hair done, know how to wear make-up and put out a positive attitude of self confidence and self assurance, regardless of my weight.

So, what to do? How do I jump start my determination, invigorate, motivate and agitate my current state of mind?

No comments: