Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I've lost my fantasy

I'm tremendously irked!!!!

I'm having trouble taking care of my needs (hint, hint) because I've lost my fantasies. Since I've let go of the men, who were physically or emotionally unavailable to me, I have also mentally let go of them. This is an unexpected consequence and I ain't happy 'bout it.

I know some folks can fantasize about movie stars, co-workers or strangers they see on the street, none of which works for me. I use memories of past liaisons, all of which have seemingly been suppressed by my frickin' inner need to move on from them. WTH!

I want them back (wah, wah, wah). I miss my fantasies; I long for my memories and I'm craving an orgasm!

This doing the right thing stuff is for the birds.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Does it ever end

Being alone isn't bad.

Being lonely isn't bad.

Being alone and lonely isn't bad.

The gut-wrenching fear that you'll be alone & lonely forever is dreadful.
This is where I am as I approach 40.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Everything in my life is excellent...

Everything in my life is excellent, loving family, caring friends, job I enjoy and a warm home.

Question: Then why am I feeling soooooo blah?????
Answer: I don't have anyone to share in my life's blessings.

Let me clarify a few points.
  1. I'm not referring to sex or sexual partners.
  2. I'm not referring to a husband.
  3. I'm not referring to good girlfriends, sistagirls or BFFs.
I am referring to someone with whom I can enjoy the theatre or a good movie, go out dinner or cook dinner with, travel, sight see & explore, sit home and watch Boston Legal, cheer on the Skins, discuss politics, current events and celebrity gossip.

This past week I was in one of the most romantic areas I've ever experienced. There were quaint towns, charming villages, beautiful scenery, spectacular art and I was utterly alone and simultaneously lonely in the midst of our tour group.

It was a palpable loneliness, which I've previously experienced. It is suffocating, physically painful and at times seemingly unbearable. As an only child, I've been alone all of my life and I'm clear on the difference between being alone and being lonely. Most of the time they are mutually exclusive and at other times they collide into tsunami of emotional overload.

This is where I am right now, in a tsunami of being alone and being lonely, and it is becoming unbearable. What am going to do?

I Hate This

I hate this feeling...being lonely.

I hate traveling & vacationing to wonderful, romantic, exciting & exotic places around the world by myself.

I hate coming home to an empty house after being away, having a long day at work or going through a tough dance class and being by myself.

I hate how often I have to use my vibrator because none of my regulars are available when I want to fuck.

I hate that I can't call my friend to share any of the great stuff happening in my life.

I hate I'm turning 40 in three weeks and won't have a special someone to be there with me.

I hate what I see in my immediate future because it holds more of the same, more time alone & lonely.

I hate feeling like this, like I'm whining and being ungrateful for all of the truly magnificent blessings I have and focusing on the 1/2 empty portion of the glass.