Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Cold Turkey

This was the first time in a llloooonnnnggggg time I haven't spoken to Marvin on a weekday/weeknight. We have our patterns and habits and breaking them is awful.

I want to talk to him. We make each other laugh; we discuss politics, current events, movies, etc.; we yell, holler and cuss at each other; and we always talk to each other about our lives. The worst part, I can't call him. I deleted his numbers from my cell phone (to avoid falling into temptation, this isn't the first time I've tried to leave him) and I don't have them memorized.

I want my friend!

Turning 40 is becoming a pain in my fucking ass with all this self reflecting and self improvement bullshit. I was perfectly fine in my imperfect state of delusion, denial and self-destruction.

Damn, damn, damn!!!!!!!!!!!!! (throwing punchbowl on the floor)

It is finished

To quote the Bible as my post title, it is really over between Marvin and I.

Good news: We laid in bed together and he held me as I cried. For the first time in our relationship, he gave me what I needed, it was just too little and too late.

Bad news: This is temporary, it isn't me being melodramatic or him being chivalric; this is for real. It is finished and I hate that it is.

I can honestly say that my pain has nothing to do with the sex, rather it has everything to do with the loss of a loved one. Now to deal with this in an equally mature is the next feat.

Damn it all!!!!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I've been such a flippin' idiot!!!!!!

For 16 damn years I've loved Marvin and he doesn't love me. I've been waiting, hoping, believing he would come around. What the hell was I thinking!?!

Marvin doesn't love me. He really doesn't love me. He likes me a lot, we have fun and interesting daily phone conversations (he lives in CO), good times together when we see each other and great sex and he doesn't love me, at least in the way that I want and need. He isn't going to be with me under any circumstances, especially since that would require him leaving his wife and two children.


Before y'all get all judgemental, I knew and loved Marvin before he got married and for several years at the beginning of his marriage, we only talked on the phone. No, his wife doesn't know about me, our friendship, our conversations, etc. I know it was and is wrong, very, very, very wrong. Let's move past this point, shall we.

Anyway, over the last four years, we've been able to see each other a lot, almost quarterly because both our jobs allow us to travel and we can arrange things with little problem. For instance, Marvin's here, in Vegas for work and I'm here for #BWE08. He begins work on Monday, so he came a couple days early, easy to arrange. AGAIN, I KNOW THIS WRONG, JUST HEAR ME OUT!

Well, this time it's different. It's as though I had an epiphany of sorts, like I woke up from a dream. I have finally realized he doesn't love me. He has told me as much before and I shrugged it off as stress, thinking he needed more time or something else equally ridiculous.

I have been such a fucking idiot!. OMG, I thought I was smarter than this; I never saw myself as "her," the dumb girl. I used to kid myself into thinking he loved me because why would he sustain a friendship/relationship with someone who didn't live in the same city; it had to be about more than the sex; there are easier ways to have an affair. Right? Wrong, dumb ass!!!!!

When Marvin leaves for his hotel tomorrow, it will be the last time I will ever see him. I don't want to talk to him anymore; I don't want to be his friend any longer and I definitely refuse to be his ho' from this day forward.

I'll beat myself up on the inside for the rest of the day, then start the healing process of letting go of someone I have loved for almost sixteen years to the day. Marvin can't and won't give me what I want and need, so why should I hold onto him and this completely & utterly fucked-up relationship.

I turn 40 years old in 6 weeks and I fucking REFUSE to turn this corner of my life with the same dumb shit that has held me back, held me up and held me hostage for the last 16 damn years (sooooo stupid).

I'm making better decisions this time around, beginning with this one. Good-bye Marvin.