Friday, February 20, 2009

My Reality

I used to be innocent, naive and trusting. I used to want to believe the best about people. I used to think that there weren't people out there who intentionally hurt others. I was able to believe these things because of my upbringing. I had loving, caring and supportive parents, who did everything they could to protect from the harsh realities of the world. I had a great extended family that encircled me with kindness and compassion.

As an adult I know the truth. It has taken 40 years and I've learned the lesson well. Most folks are all about getting what they can get for themselves; most folks don't give a damn about anyone but themselves; and most folks would see me dead & buried before they extend themselves to offer a hand. I've had friends abandon me, men cheat on me, and some even to put a hand on me in a hurtful manner. People have lied to my face, stolen from me and [a man took] what was only mine to give. It would be easy to make this a man bashin' post; I'm not going to do that (this time). This is about me.

Over time I've learned I can only trust me, myself and I. Its not that all men are bad or all women are shrews, its that I need people with integrity around me -- folks who will say what they mean and mean what they say and they will do what they say when they say. Too often I've had folks close to me who have fallen short, and I don't mean once or twice, I mean multiple times. Some of them have done it purposefully and others not, whatever the case, I give them 2 chances then I cut them loose. Be clear, I don't expect anymore from them than I'm willing to give.

I wish things were....
I wish folks would....
I wish I could....

Whatever, do me wrong once, you get a pass, do me wrong twice...there won't be a third time.

Monday, February 16, 2009


I'm scared. I'm falling into an old habit.

I don't want to and when I try to not to, all I can think about is doing it again.

I am better than this. I am more disciplined than this. I am in control of my life.

How did it even get to this point?
How did I let it get this far?
Am I that frickin' desperate?

Good news: I haven't completely gone over the cliff.
Bad news: I'm definitely driving full speed ahead towards edge.
Worse news: I don't care if I go over; I want what I want.
Worst news: I going over the cliff with my eyes wide open and I'm dragging at least two other folks with me.

I am such a pathetic loser, and don't try to tell me I'm not. Don't try to make me feel better. Don't try to rationalize what I'm doing. Just let me be in my misery and leave me ALONE!

I'm on my me spot over the cliff.