I have thought of him many, many times since then.
I wondered what he was doing and where he was (he traveled for work).
I have had dreams about him, fantasies about the two of us and daydreams about what "shoulda, coulda, woulda" have been.
In the end, I held firm to my resolve and did not contact him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
The hardest part was letting go of my friend. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. There were no sacred cows, taboo subjects or beating around the bush. If one of us was about to make a mistake, the other gave warning and if one of us made a mistake, the other called foul. There would be months, when we didn't speak or see each other, but we would always get right back into each other lives and the rhythm of our relationship.
Well, after three years of no communication, he sent me an email to let me know he is very ill. As I read, reread and reread it, my heart grew heavier and tears filled my eyes. I wanted to go to him, to hold him and let him know how much he still means to me. The idea of him going through any pain or suffering is torturous to me. I still love him and would never want anything bad to befall him.
We are communicating again, and we will continue doing so. I could always make him laugh, and that is my goal, to keep him laughing, smiling, smirking, giggling, etc. The ubiquitous they say, laughter is the best medicine, and I'm making sure he gets a daily dose.
I won't walk away from my friend in his hour of need.
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2 comments:
I applaud your commitment to friendship and it is obvious that you are a loyal woman. However, can you honor the vow you made to yourself three years ago while honoring this friendship?
After your initial communication, I fear that continued emails with Marvin will only continue to hamper your growth. This will pull you back into a kind of limbo that you may never again escape.
I question his level of friendship. Obviously he knows that the relationship was difficult for you, so in reaching out to you he once again appears to only be concerned with his well-being. He has a wife, family and love ones to nurse him through this; let them.
Please move on and hold him in your prayers for a speedy recovery. This is not walking away. It is letting go because I know in your heart there will always be hope for more.
Thank you for sharing this and I hope all this best for you.
First, thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I'm appreciative of my readers, even though I don't post as often as I should and want.
Second, thank you for your concern. Yes, I'm very loyal to my friends. It is a blessing and a curse, a burden and a gift, and a character trait and character flaw.
If our "separation" hadn't been as long, then your concern would be my concern. I was nervous about talking to Marvin at first, then I wasn't. I realized I'm not the same woman I was three years ago. I'm making better choices on this side of 40. Yes, I still have feelings for him, he was a part of my life for a long time and we made some great memories, and it those that I cherish now.
While I always held onto hope, I KNOW he and I will NEVER be together. He is my friend, and I'm doing no more or less for him than I would one of my good friends.
Again, thank you for reading and commenting. I'll keep folks posted.
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