I want to have sex

I want to have sex...

with a man,
a tall, intelligent, humorous, kind, well-spoken man

in a bed,
that has been freshly made with a new set of 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets

on a cold day,
in front of a roaring and crackling fireplace

when the rain is beating against the window,
to the beat of our hearts

while listening to soulful, sultry sounds.
and having him whisper naughty things in my ear

No need to say anymore on the subject.

1st post

This is my 1st posting since turning 40. I don't know why I haven't posted. I've been online; I've been tweeting and I've been reading & commenting on others blogs.

It's been interesting so far. Since turning 40, I've been diagnosed with a form of arthritis; had some sort of stomach virus; at least 10 folks have been laid-off from my job; and I can't seem to get laid. I was supposed to have birthday sex; however, the asshole forgot to bring a condom, thus I only had birthday foreplay. By the way, I'm DONE with online dating, details to follow later.

I did hear from Marvin on my birthday; I had had fantasies of him surprising the night of my party. He called to wish me a happy birthday and we chatted for a few minutes. It was the first time we had spoken since I ended our relationship in September, and we haven't spoken since then and we won't. I miss him and think of him daily.

Fuck it. I'm 40 and I'm here, which is better than the alternative.

Note to self: Remember, I'm making better decisions now.

Seven Days & Counting

I will be 40 years old in 7 days (God willing).

I am not married and I am not in a committed relationship.
I have loved and been loved by wonderful men, who I am glad I did not marry...one of us would be dead and the other in jail.
My next relationship is around the corner; I can feel it.

I do not have my PhD.
I do have my Masters degree and I have finally found a doctoral program that I'm interested in pursuing.
Georgetown is calling my name; I'll be there in August 2009.

I have not been to Africa, Asia, South America or Australia.
I have been to Canada, Europe, throughout Caribbean and across the US.
I'm going to back all of those regions, plus Africa in 2009 woohoo!!!!!

I can not speak another language.
This is a project for 2009.

I have not bungee jumped or ridden a zip line.
I jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 feet and I took 2 helicopter rides, one over the Grand Canyon.
Not sure if anything daring is in the plans for 2009.

I have not seen a bullfight.
I have been to a Washington Redskins home game.
I will go to Redskins next Superbowl game (hopefully I won't have to wait until I'm 50.

I have not won an Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Obie or Grammy.
I have won top regional ballroom dancing awards.
My first national competition is next month -- OMG!

I have not lost the weight I thought I would have by now.
I have not gained any weight this year.
This a project for 2009 (and beyond and beyond and beyond).

I have not begun journaling.
I started 2 blogs, have 20+ online community profiles and am meeting all kinds of intelligent, interesting and entertaining people.
I want to make these efforts profitable in 2009.

I do not have a best friend.
I have lots of fulfilling relationships with men & women around the world (thanks Twitter).
I love my tweeps.

I am in debt.
Who isn't?
I will be debt free in 2009.

I have built a strong Shaklee business.
I have Shaklee-ized my home, attended the conventions and have all the tools to explode onto the scene.
I will at least be a Director by June 30, 2009.

I have not run for political office.
Yeah, considering my first 39 years, this is coming off the list.

At a glance, I would say the first 39 have been pretty good w00t!

I've lost my fantasy

I'm tremendously irked!!!!

I'm having trouble taking care of my needs (hint, hint) because I've lost my fantasies. Since I've let go of the men, who were physically or emotionally unavailable to me, I have also mentally let go of them. This is an unexpected consequence and I ain't happy 'bout it.

I know some folks can fantasize about movie stars, co-workers or strangers they see on the street, none of which works for me. I use memories of past liaisons, all of which have seemingly been suppressed by my frickin' inner need to move on from them. WTH!

I want them back (wah, wah, wah). I miss my fantasies; I long for my memories and I'm craving an orgasm!

This doing the right thing stuff is for the birds.

Does it ever end

Being alone isn't bad.

Being lonely isn't bad.

Being alone and lonely isn't bad.

The gut-wrenching fear that you'll be alone & lonely forever is dreadful.
This is where I am as I approach 40.

Everything in my life is excellent...

Everything in my life is excellent, loving family, caring friends, job I enjoy and a warm home.

Question: Then why am I feeling soooooo blah?????
Answer: I don't have anyone to share in my life's blessings.

Let me clarify a few points.

1. I'm not referring to sex or sexual partners.
2. I'm not referring to a husband.
3. I'm not referring to good girlfriends, sistagirls or BFFs.

I am referring to someone with whom I can enjoy the theatre or a good movie, go out dinner or cook dinner with, travel, sight see & explore, sit home and watch Boston Legal, cheer on the Skins, discuss politics, current events and celebrity gossip.

This past week I was in one of the most romantic areas I've ever experienced. There were quaint towns, charming villages, beautiful scenery, spectacular art and I was utterly alone and simultaneously lonely in the midst of our tour group.

It was a palpable loneliness, which I've previously experienced. It is suffocating, physically painful and at times seemingly unbearable. As an only child, I've been alone all of my life and I'm clear on the difference between being alone and being lonely. Most of the time they are mutually exclusive and at other times they collide into tsunami of emotional overload.

This is where I am right now, in a tsunami of being alone and being lonely, and it is becoming unbearable. What am going to do?

I Hate This

I hate this feeling...being lonely.

I hate traveling & vacationing to wonderful, romantic, exciting & exotic places around the world by myself.

I hate coming home to an empty house after being away, having a long day at work or going through a tough dance class and being by myself.

I hate how often I have to use my vibrator because none of my regulars are available when I want to fuck.

I hate that I can't call my friend to share any of the great stuff happening in my life.

I hate I'm turning 40 in three weeks and won't have a special someone to be there with me.

I hate what I see in my immediate future because it holds more of the same, more time alone & lonely.

I hate feeling like this, like I'm whining and being ungrateful for all of the truly magnificent blessings I have and focusing on the 1/2 empty portion of the glass.

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!