He's Baaaacccckkkkkk

It's been nearly three years since I said good-bye to him.

I have thought of him many, many times since then.

I wondered what he was doing and where he was (he traveled for work).

I have had dreams about him, fantasies about the two of us and daydreams about what "shoulda, coulda, woulda" have been.

In the end, I held firm to my resolve and did not contact him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The hardest part was letting go of my friend. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. There were no sacred cows, taboo subjects or beating around the bush. If one of us was about to make a mistake, the other gave warning and if one of us made a mistake, the other called foul. There would be months, when we didn't speak or see each other, but we would always get right back into each other lives and the rhythm of our relationship.

Well, after three years of no communication, he sent me an email to let me know he is very ill. As I read, reread and reread it, my heart grew heavier and tears filled my eyes. I wanted to go to him, to hold him and let him know how much he still means to me. The idea of him going through any pain or suffering is torturous to me. I still love him and would never want anything bad to befall him.

We are communicating again, and we will continue doing so. I could always make him laugh, and that is my goal, to keep him laughing, smiling, smirking, giggling, etc. The ubiquitous they say, laughter is the best medicine, and I'm making sure he gets a daily dose.

I won't walk away from my friend in his hour of need.

He Heals Me

I heard this for the first time last night and almost had an accident because my eyes were filled with tears. I pray we find this kind of friendship, companionship and love at least once in our lives.

I want the fairy tale

I believe in the fairy tales.

* I want a marriage that will make my friends wish their relationship was 1/2 as good as mine is with my husband.
* I want to love him with every fiber of my being everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.
* I want him to adore me without hesitation, doubt or question.
* I want he and I to be the couple that other folks can't stand to be around because we are so into each other.
* I want to him to reach those places in me that only my God and I know.
* I want to go to those places in him that he hasn't been to since he was a boy.
* I want to trust my husband with my very life and have him trust me with his.
* I want an honest relationship, calling each other out when our sh*t stinks and praising each other when deserved.
* I want to be second only to his God, not his family, children, job, etc.
* I want us to be each other's bestest friend in the whole wide world.
* I want to consume him and be consumed by him.
* I want to explore our sexuality, our fantasies and go to the place of intimacy where two become one.
* I want a marriage built on communication, trust, dependability, respect and forthrightness.
* I want us to laugh and cry together.
* I want to walk beside him as equals in life; behind him to support his hopes & dreams; and in front of him to shielding him with prayer & encouragement; and I want the same from him.
* Yes, I want it all and then some and you'll notice, I'm not asking anymore of him than I would give of myself.

It may be a fairy tale, and I may never find this kind of love. Does that mean I don't look for it?

When it rains...it pours

Today I lost a woman I respected, admired and "wanted to be like when I grew up."
Today I had to push away a friend in order to be more like the woman I "wanted to be like."

Doing the right thing sucks ass!