You Know He's Really Into You When...

He calls you within 24 hours of getting your number.

He books the first date as soon as you let him.

He books the second date before the first one is over.

He takes an interest in you, your career, your interests and your life.

He changes his schedule, his plans and so forth to be with you.

He leaves his boys to be with you.

He shows up...early!

He listens to you, supports you and gives you what you need, not what he thinks you need.

He is sincere in his affection towards you.

He makes you a PRIORITY in his mind and heart.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Fellas, why haven't y'all learned this lesson?

Don't tell me you care about me then break dates.

Don't tell me you respect me then keep pushing when I've said "No."

Don't tell me you love me then won't make time for me.

Don't tell me you're into me when I'm not a priority in your life.

Don't tell me, "I'm trying," when you haven't included me as part of the process.

Don't call, text or email to keep in touch, check in or to say, "Hi," then don't ask me out.

This is what a real man DOES when he is into me:

He calls a lot.

He spends time with me, vertically and horizontally.

He makes me a priority on his schedule.

He rearranges other appointments to see me.

He says, "No," to family and friends to be with me.

He goes to events he doesn't want to go to because I want to go.

And I do all of this for him as well.

When My Past & Present Collide

It was bound to happen.

The DC Metro area isn't that big, with only about 1,000,000 folks here. Not to mention, I've lived here most of my life. Plus add to that, the fact I've been dating for 20+ years, and this becomes a confluence of circumstances that some call a pefect storm. I call it hell-on earth.

Due to my ever-evolving professional experiences and varied personal interests, I've had the good fortune of not running or bumping into past boyfriends, lovers, etc. If I have seen a former, it has been on my terms or at least I anticipated it. This works for me, it is how I like it. I'm not big into the "we can still be friends" thing. When it's over, it's over...I don't need to see you soon and you mos def don't need to see me again. This can (and has) lead to confusion with subsequents, and confusion is not good for anyone.

The problem is that as time passes and with the advent of social media, not to mention, seemingly no one ever leaves the DMV, there is a shift occurring...an unwanted and potentially dangerous shift.

I was recently at an event and TWO of my exes were there. Both are married and both hit on me at the event. *Put that aside for another post.* The point is, I had abso-f€cking-lutely no idea, thought or inclination they would be there. Further, there was no reason for me to be there, other than I was live-tweeting the event. It was so odd for the three of us to be there.

The bizarrest of bizarre part, I dated both of them 20 years ago, within a year of each other.

~Cue strange coincidence music.~

I wonder if this "storm" is going to become a regular thing...I hope not.

Here I go again...or do I?

Of my serious relationships, I haven't had one with a guy who was "there." He was either on his way up "there" or leaving "there." He was either looking for a job, starting new career or in school and/or didn't have a home of his own...seriously. Then without fail, once they've gotten their shit together, we break up. Seemingly after I've supported them and am ready to reap the rewards of my patience and sacrifice, I get jipped.

I wonder what that's like, to date someone who is already "there" and established.

I find myself in a similar position again. He is great guy, we have a lot in common, have fun together and can talk to each other. When we started "dating" (go with me here) he was employed, then right as we decide to serious, he loses his job and moves away to begin a new career. He says he'll be back here in a year to be with me. He's is leaps and bounds ahead of the others, he owns his home where he's moved and in just the few weeks he's been gone, he's already accomplished some things to indicate his seriousness about coming back to me, plus he makes an effort to communicate with me everyday.

I've helped, supported, encouraged so many men, only to be left with memories and unfulfilled promises and dreams. Do I dare give it one more shot? Do I yet again put energy into building someone else up? Do I get my hopes up again for yet another possibility?

I once read: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Yep, I'm going for it.

On being a single Black woman

I'm not going to expound on this video, rather just offer a few insights from someone who's been where these women currently find themselves.

1. As startling as it may seem, single women are single by choice. Every decision we've made and its subsequent consequence has led us to this point in time. We may not want to admit it, but we must face it in order to learn and grow. We have to examine our relationship decisions, hopefully learning from them, and making better ones in the future.


2. Getting married is easy, being content and satisfied in the marriage is hard as hell. If all we want is to get married, have our day in the spotlight with the dress, flowers, gifts, reception, etc., then that can happen without much effort at all. However, if we want a contented and satisfying life, then we have to stop looking outside of ourselves at what we don't have and treasuring and nurturing the relationships we do have.


3. Throw whatever Man Qualifying Checklist you have in the trash. In our twenties, we all had the list: he had to be this tall, this complexion, work here, drive this, live there, go to this church, had attended this school, yada, yada, yada, plus be supportive, kind, loving, blah, blah, blah. As we got older, the list got shorter and the priorities began to shift. We have to focus on those qualities that truly define a person of character and forget the BS. No one's obituary has ever listed their credit score, the car they drove or how many suits they had.
   


4. Reality is a bitch. The truth of the matter is that many of my sistas and I may not ever get married. It is a hard, cold fact of life, and one that used to keep me up at night. We are social beings by nature and nurture; however, not being married should not stop us from living the best possible lives we can. No man (or woman) should ever have the power to determine the quality of our lives.


5. Finally, as a former choir director once said, "it is better to be single and want to be married, than to be married and want to be single." Amen! I know too many people in horrible marriages, he cheated, she lied, she's lazy, he's trifling and so on and so on and so on. Everyone hopes for the til death do us part, but the US divorce rate is 50%...the odds are not exactly with the house.

To my sistas, keep your heads held high, make smart choices and learn from your past, learn about yourself and live to your fullest.

Liar, liar, pants on fire

Why do men insist on lying to me?

1. Do I look fragile?
2. Do I present myself as someone who will fall apart?
3. Do I appear as though I'm incapable of comprehending the truth?
4. Do I come across in any way other than as a mature, thinking and reasonable woman?
The answer is hell-f*cking-NO!!!!

Why the hell can't men just tell me the fucking truth? Give me the information and knowledge necessary to make an informed decision for my damn self, instead of him making it for me.

1. The truth shall set you free.
2. I will find out the truth eventually.
3. I am the only motherf*cker who has the right to make decisions for me.
4. When I inevitably find out, I'll be madder than if you had been straight with me from jump.
Unlike Tom Cruise...I can handle the f*cking truth a$$hole!

I want the fairy tale

I believe in the fairy tales.

* I want a marriage that will make my friends wish their relationship was 1/2 as good as mine is with my husband.
* I want to love him with every fiber of my being everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.
* I want him to adore me without hesitation, doubt or question.
* I want he and I to be the couple that other folks can't stand to be around because we are so into each other.
* I want to him to reach those places in me that only my God and I know.
* I want to go to those places in him that he hasn't been to since he was a boy.
* I want to trust my husband with my very life and have him trust me with his.
* I want an honest relationship, calling each other out when our sh*t stinks and praising each other when deserved.
* I want to be second only to his God, not his family, children, job, etc.
* I want us to be each other's bestest friend in the whole wide world.
* I want to consume him and be consumed by him.
* I want to explore our sexuality, our fantasies and go to the place of intimacy where two become one.
* I want a marriage built on communication, trust, dependability, respect and forthrightness.
* I want us to laugh and cry together.
* I want to walk beside him as equals in life; behind him to support his hopes & dreams; and in front of him to shielding him with prayer & encouragement; and I want the same from him.
* Yes, I want it all and then some and you'll notice, I'm not asking anymore of him than I would give of myself.

It may be a fairy tale, and I may never find this kind of love. Does that mean I don't look for it?

I want to have sex

I want to have sex...

with a man,
a tall, intelligent, humorous, kind, well-spoken man

in a bed,
that has been freshly made with a new set of 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets

on a cold day,
in front of a roaring and crackling fireplace

when the rain is beating against the window,
to the beat of our hearts

while listening to soulful, sultry sounds.
and having him whisper naughty things in my ear

No need to say anymore on the subject.

1st post

This is my 1st posting since turning 40. I don't know why I haven't posted. I've been online; I've been tweeting and I've been reading & commenting on others blogs.

It's been interesting so far. Since turning 40, I've been diagnosed with a form of arthritis; had some sort of stomach virus; at least 10 folks have been laid-off from my job; and I can't seem to get laid. I was supposed to have birthday sex; however, the asshole forgot to bring a condom, thus I only had birthday foreplay. By the way, I'm DONE with online dating, details to follow later.

I did hear from Marvin on my birthday; I had had fantasies of him surprising the night of my party. He called to wish me a happy birthday and we chatted for a few minutes. It was the first time we had spoken since I ended our relationship in September, and we haven't spoken since then and we won't. I miss him and think of him daily.

Fuck it. I'm 40 and I'm here, which is better than the alternative.

Note to self: Remember, I'm making better decisions now.

Seven Days & Counting

I will be 40 years old in 7 days (God willing).

I am not married and I am not in a committed relationship.
I have loved and been loved by wonderful men, who I am glad I did not marry...one of us would be dead and the other in jail.
My next relationship is around the corner; I can feel it.

I do not have my PhD.
I do have my Masters degree and I have finally found a doctoral program that I'm interested in pursuing.
Georgetown is calling my name; I'll be there in August 2009.

I have not been to Africa, Asia, South America or Australia.
I have been to Canada, Europe, throughout Caribbean and across the US.
I'm going to back all of those regions, plus Africa in 2009 woohoo!!!!!

I can not speak another language.
This is a project for 2009.

I have not bungee jumped or ridden a zip line.
I jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 feet and I took 2 helicopter rides, one over the Grand Canyon.
Not sure if anything daring is in the plans for 2009.

I have not seen a bullfight.
I have been to a Washington Redskins home game.
I will go to Redskins next Superbowl game (hopefully I won't have to wait until I'm 50.

I have not won an Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Obie or Grammy.
I have won top regional ballroom dancing awards.
My first national competition is next month -- OMG!

I have not lost the weight I thought I would have by now.
I have not gained any weight this year.
This a project for 2009 (and beyond and beyond and beyond).

I have not begun journaling.
I started 2 blogs, have 20+ online community profiles and am meeting all kinds of intelligent, interesting and entertaining people.
I want to make these efforts profitable in 2009.

I do not have a best friend.
I have lots of fulfilling relationships with men & women around the world (thanks Twitter).
I love my tweeps.

I am in debt.
Who isn't?
I will be debt free in 2009.

I have built a strong Shaklee business.
I have Shaklee-ized my home, attended the conventions and have all the tools to explode onto the scene.
I will at least be a Director by June 30, 2009.

I have not run for political office.
Yeah, considering my first 39 years, this is coming off the list.

At a glance, I would say the first 39 have been pretty good w00t!

I've lost my fantasy

I'm tremendously irked!!!!

I'm having trouble taking care of my needs (hint, hint) because I've lost my fantasies. Since I've let go of the men, who were physically or emotionally unavailable to me, I have also mentally let go of them. This is an unexpected consequence and I ain't happy 'bout it.

I know some folks can fantasize about movie stars, co-workers or strangers they see on the street, none of which works for me. I use memories of past liaisons, all of which have seemingly been suppressed by my frickin' inner need to move on from them. WTH!

I want them back (wah, wah, wah). I miss my fantasies; I long for my memories and I'm craving an orgasm!

This doing the right thing stuff is for the birds.

I've been such a flippin' idiot!!!!!!

For 16 damn years I've loved Marvin and he doesn't love me. I've been waiting, hoping, believing he would come around. What the hell was I thinking!?!

Marvin doesn't love me. He really doesn't love me. He likes me a lot, we have fun and interesting daily phone conversations (he lives in CO), good times together when we see each other and great sex and he doesn't love me, at least in the way that I want and need. He isn't going to be with me under any circumstances, especially since that would require him leaving his wife and two children.

STOP!

Before y'all get all judgemental, I knew and loved Marvin before he got married and for several years at the beginning of his marriage, we only talked on the phone. No, his wife doesn't know about me, our friendship, our conversations, etc. I know it was and is wrong, very, very, very wrong. Let's move past this point, shall we.

Anyway, over the last four years, we've been able to see each other a lot, almost quarterly because both our jobs allow us to travel and we can arrange things with little problem. For instance, Marvin's here, in Vegas for work and I'm here for #BWE08. He begins work on Monday, so he came a couple days early, easy to arrange. AGAIN, I KNOW THIS WRONG, JUST HEAR ME OUT!

Well, this time it's different. It's as though I had an epiphany of sorts, like I woke up from a dream. I have finally realized he doesn't love me. He has told me as much before and I shrugged it off as stress, thinking he needed more time or something else equally ridiculous.

I have been such a fucking idiot!. OMG, I thought I was smarter than this; I never saw myself as "her," the dumb girl. I used to kid myself into thinking he loved me because why would he sustain a friendship/relationship with someone who didn't live in the same city; it had to be about more than the sex; there are easier ways to have an affair. Right? Wrong, dumb ass!!!!!

When Marvin leaves for his hotel tomorrow, it will be the last time I will ever see him. I don't want to talk to him anymore; I don't want to be his friend any longer and I definitely refuse to be his ho' from this day forward.

I'll beat myself up on the inside for the rest of the day, then start the healing process of letting go of someone I have loved for almost sixteen years to the day. Marvin can't and won't give me what I want and need, so why should I hold onto him and this completely & utterly fucked-up relationship.

I turn 40 years old in 6 weeks and I fucking REFUSE to turn this corner of my life with the same dumb shit that has held me back, held me up and held me hostage for the last 16 damn years (sooooo stupid).

I'm making better decisions this time around, beginning with this one. Good-bye Marvin.