Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Fellas, why haven't y'all learned this lesson?

Don't tell me you care about me then break dates.

Don't tell me you respect me then keep pushing when I've said "No."

Don't tell me you love me then won't make time for me.

Don't tell me you're into me when I'm not a priority in your life.

Don't tell me, "I'm trying," when you haven't included me as part of the process.

Don't call, text or email to keep in touch, check in or to say, "Hi," then don't ask me out.

This is what a real man DOES when he is into me:

He calls a lot.

He spends time with me, vertically and horizontally.

He makes me a priority on his schedule.

He rearranges other appointments to see me.

He says, "No," to family and friends to be with me.

He goes to events he doesn't want to go to because I want to go.

And I do all of this for him as well.

Music for the Female Soul

February 13th was Madly in Love with Me Day. I say, everyday is madly in love with me day.

I want women to bookmark this post. Whenever you need a pick-me-up or self esteem boost, come here and get what you need to hold on, get through, overcome and excel.

I want men to bookmark this post. Whenever a woman in your life loses her pep, stops smiling or is too tough on herself, send her this link to find encouragement and strength.

1. Ya Gotta Be Des'ree
   
2. I’m Every Woman Chaka Kahn
   
3. A Woman’s Worth Alicia Keys
   
4. RESPECT Aretha Franklin
5. New Attitude Patti LaBelle
   
6. Single Ladies Beyonce Knowles
   
7. Golden Jill Scott
   
8. Before He Cheats Carrie Underwood
9. 
   
   
   
10. No Scrubs TLC
    
11. No More Drama Mary J. Blige
    
12. Unwritten Natasha Bedingfield
13. Breakaway Kelly Clarkson
    
14. I Don't Need a Man The Pussycat Dolls
15. Redneck Woman Gretchen Wilson
    
16. Single Natasha Bedingfeld
17. Bitch Meredith Brooks
18. Miss Independent Kelly Clarskson
19. Too Little Too Late Jojo
20. 
    



21. Survivor Destiny’s Child
22. I Will Survive Gloria Gaynor
23. Control Janet Jackson
24. Expression Salt N Pepa
    
25. U.N.I.T.Y. Queen Latifah
26. Goodbye Earl Dixie Chicks
    
27. Independent Women Destiny's Child
    
28. Just Fine Mary J. Blige
29. It's Not Right But It's Okay Whitney Houston
30. Irreplaceable Beyonce
31. Keep On Walking CeCe Peniston
32. Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves Annie Lennox and Aretha Franklin
33. 
    

Let me know the others I should include in this list.

From Prince Charming to a Baron...D*mn

In my teen years, I wanted the fairytale: the castle, Prince Charming, and happily ever-after.

In my 20s, I wanted the fantasy: fame, fortune, adventure, a Duke and happily ever-after.

In my 30s, I wanted the dream: passion, romance, travel, an Earl and happily ever-after.

In my 40s, I want it ALL and more: love, passion, travel, romance, adventure, joy, happily ever-after, laughter, peace and I'll take a Viscount or Baron if one is hanging around, maybe.

And yes, I've kissed more than my fair share of frogs, and still no Prince Charming.

My 2010 Prayer

This is my 2010 prayer for us.

To whomever your Creator be,
I pray you receive all your mind can conceive and your heart can receive.
I pray you take the path less traveled, walking in the sunshine and singing in the rain.
I pray you smile everyday, laugh often, give freely and receive openly.
I pray you have peace of mind and contentment of spirit.
I pray you have unspeakable joy and love of self.
I pray you have abundant blessings.

Amen.

he ADORES me...so he says

He told me, "I adore you."
Really?

According to dictionary.com, to adore means "to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor; to like or admire very much."

This is wonderful. To have someone feel this way about me is amazing and to have someone actually say the words to me is humbling...if only I believed him.*

He says he adores me, but only calls about once a week.
He says he adores me, but hasn't taken me out since my birthday in November.
He says he adores me, but hasn't spent any time with me in over 6 weeks.
He says he adores me, but rarely accepts invitations to do things with me.
He says he adores me, but has canceled dates at the last minute or stood me up altogether.

He says one thing, but does other things that are completely contradictory. If this is how he adores me, I liked it better when he only kinda liked me.

You don't have to pee on my head and tell me its raining. I get the message loud and clear; he's just not that into me.

*Cleaning house for 2010.

He Heals Me

I heard this for the first time last night and almost had an accident because my eyes were filled with tears. I pray we find this kind of friendship, companionship and love at least once in our lives.

Some Goals

Got some goals, wanna know 'em, here ya go:

1. get mentioned in Washingtonian magazine
2. disciplined blogging everyday
3. lose 40lbs (and I ain't saying where I'm starting from, so don't ask)
4. live in a home on the beach
5. own an Irish wolfhound
6. go on a luxury African safari to Tanzania & Kenya
7. have a mentally stimulating, spiritually rewarding & sexually satisfying committed relationship
8. sleep in the Lincoln bedroom
9. be on national TV (I can live w/ being in the outdoor crowd at the Today Show )
10. have a life filled with love, laughter and respect
11. maintain a relationship with and developing a greater dependence on my God
12. win

This is not all of them and aren't in any particular order. Some I am actively pursuing and others are on the back-burner for a minute. It's all good.

What are some of your life goals?

Speechless

There is nothing for me to say.

yes, I love him

yes, I love him
I loved him before we met, before he touched me physically

it hurts like hell
I will live and do what I need to do, even without him...much to my regret

I can admit my feelings for him
I can face them and deal with them

I can put them in the folder with the hopes of what might have been

I shouldn't and I do.
I don't want to and I do.
I will get over him and I don't want to.

I want the fairy tale

I believe in the fairy tales.

* I want a marriage that will make my friends wish their relationship was 1/2 as good as mine is with my husband.
* I want to love him with every fiber of my being everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.
* I want him to adore me without hesitation, doubt or question.
* I want he and I to be the couple that other folks can't stand to be around because we are so into each other.
* I want to him to reach those places in me that only my God and I know.
* I want to go to those places in him that he hasn't been to since he was a boy.
* I want to trust my husband with my very life and have him trust me with his.
* I want an honest relationship, calling each other out when our sh*t stinks and praising each other when deserved.
* I want to be second only to his God, not his family, children, job, etc.
* I want us to be each other's bestest friend in the whole wide world.
* I want to consume him and be consumed by him.
* I want to explore our sexuality, our fantasies and go to the place of intimacy where two become one.
* I want a marriage built on communication, trust, dependability, respect and forthrightness.
* I want us to laugh and cry together.
* I want to walk beside him as equals in life; behind him to support his hopes & dreams; and in front of him to shielding him with prayer & encouragement; and I want the same from him.
* Yes, I want it all and then some and you'll notice, I'm not asking anymore of him than I would give of myself.

It may be a fairy tale, and I may never find this kind of love. Does that mean I don't look for it?

what I'm feeling

I can't believe the depth of feelings I have for him.
I wake up, he's in my thoughts.
I go to bed, he's in my dreams.
Throughout the day, I see him everywhere, the slightest thing reminds me of him, us.
We barely know each other and its like we've known each other for years.
We have so much in common and not just the normal stuff; its as if we are in each other's heads.
He is gorgeous, with a beautiful smile, broad shoulders, strong hands and bright, sensitive eyes.
I'm head over heels in desperately deep like for him.
This isn't infatuation or lust, I've turned down opportunities with other men because I believe in him and our feelings for each other.
We can be excellent together; I know it with every fiber of my being.
I hope I don't get hurt, and if do, 'tis better to have [liked] and lost than never to have [liked] at all.

My Life

It is mine and I'm taking control...right here, right now.

My parents had 0-21.
They gave me life, taught, raised, nurtured, supported, fed, clothed, housed, exposed and loved me.

I willingly gave 21-29 to Harper, Jarvis and Patrick.
They took, used, mistreated and left me.

I willingly gave 30-39 to Ronald and Marvin.
They made me laugh, loved me in their own way and left me.

I'm willing to give him 40-until.
He will love, respect, value, appreciate, make love to me.

Marrying for Love

If I were to ever consider marriage, I have to have the kind of love that Nicholas Cage speaks of in the clip. It must be consuming, messy, heart-breaking love that makes me wanna give him the world at all costs and reciprocally, entangles his life in pursuing whatever it takes to fill my life with unending goodness. It is the deep, unyielding, abiding love of each other that keeps us going day after day, even when we want to give up on each other and the marriage. When the going gets tough, I need to able to recall why I married this man; I need to remember his love for me; and more importantly, I need to remember my love for him.

To answer Tina's question, that is what love has to with it.

Thankful to God

I'm so thankful to God, my Father, Jesus the Christ, my Redeemer, and the Holy Spirit, my comforter & companion. I am blessed beyond measure and have absolutely NO right to ever complain, whine, *sigh*, or in any way act unappreciative or entitled.

God has blessed me more than I can possibly imagine or write about and I know God will continue to bless my socks off. I am truly humbled by his daily blessings, his minute-by-minute miracles and his second-upon-second unending source of love, grace, mercy, compassion and forgiveness.

As the songwriter put it, to God be the glory for the things he has done.

Some things I learned about myself in 2008

1. I need to pray and read my Bible daily.
2. I'm physically stronger than I thought.
3. I won't die if I'm alone.
4. I'm worth my weight in gold and more.
5. I am a good ballroom dancer.
6. I enjoy blogging, tweeting, uttering and being part of the online conversation.
7. My patience is rapidly wearing thin for stupidity.
8. I want a loving, supportive, nurturing and mature relationship.
9. I don't want to ever share a man again.
10. I want what I want and I don't want to compromise.
11. I am blessed beyond belief.
12. DNA doesn't determine my true family.
13. I decide who is sitting in the orchestra seats of my life.
14. There are some things better than sex.
(I didn't believe it at first)
15. Today's decisions determine tomorrow's consequences.
(already knew this, thought it was worth mentioning again)

Seven Days & Counting

I will be 40 years old in 7 days (God willing).

I am not married and I am not in a committed relationship.
I have loved and been loved by wonderful men, who I am glad I did not marry...one of us would be dead and the other in jail.
My next relationship is around the corner; I can feel it.

I do not have my PhD.
I do have my Masters degree and I have finally found a doctoral program that I'm interested in pursuing.
Georgetown is calling my name; I'll be there in August 2009.

I have not been to Africa, Asia, South America or Australia.
I have been to Canada, Europe, throughout Caribbean and across the US.
I'm going to back all of those regions, plus Africa in 2009 woohoo!!!!!

I can not speak another language.
This is a project for 2009.

I have not bungee jumped or ridden a zip line.
I jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 feet and I took 2 helicopter rides, one over the Grand Canyon.
Not sure if anything daring is in the plans for 2009.

I have not seen a bullfight.
I have been to a Washington Redskins home game.
I will go to Redskins next Superbowl game (hopefully I won't have to wait until I'm 50.

I have not won an Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Obie or Grammy.
I have won top regional ballroom dancing awards.
My first national competition is next month -- OMG!

I have not lost the weight I thought I would have by now.
I have not gained any weight this year.
This a project for 2009 (and beyond and beyond and beyond).

I have not begun journaling.
I started 2 blogs, have 20+ online community profiles and am meeting all kinds of intelligent, interesting and entertaining people.
I want to make these efforts profitable in 2009.

I do not have a best friend.
I have lots of fulfilling relationships with men & women around the world (thanks Twitter).
I love my tweeps.

I am in debt.
Who isn't?
I will be debt free in 2009.

I have built a strong Shaklee business.
I have Shaklee-ized my home, attended the conventions and have all the tools to explode onto the scene.
I will at least be a Director by June 30, 2009.

I have not run for political office.
Yeah, considering my first 39 years, this is coming off the list.

At a glance, I would say the first 39 have been pretty good w00t!

I Hate This

I hate this feeling...being lonely.

I hate traveling & vacationing to wonderful, romantic, exciting & exotic places around the world by myself.

I hate coming home to an empty house after being away, having a long day at work or going through a tough dance class and being by myself.

I hate how often I have to use my vibrator because none of my regulars are available when I want to fuck.

I hate that I can't call my friend to share any of the great stuff happening in my life.

I hate I'm turning 40 in three weeks and won't have a special someone to be there with me.

I hate what I see in my immediate future because it holds more of the same, more time alone & lonely.

I hate feeling like this, like I'm whining and being ungrateful for all of the truly magnificent blessings I have and focusing on the 1/2 empty portion of the glass.

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is finished

To quote the Bible as my post title, it is really over between Marvin and I.

Good news: We laid in bed together and he held me as I cried. For the first time in our relationship, he gave me what I needed, it was just too little and too late.

Bad news: This is temporary, it isn't me being melodramatic or him being chivalric; this is for real. It is finished and I hate that it is.

I can honestly say that my pain has nothing to do with the sex, rather it has everything to do with the loss of a loved one. Now to deal with this in an equally mature is the next feat.

Damn it all!!!!!

I've been such a flippin' idiot!!!!!!

For 16 damn years I've loved Marvin and he doesn't love me. I've been waiting, hoping, believing he would come around. What the hell was I thinking!?!

Marvin doesn't love me. He really doesn't love me. He likes me a lot, we have fun and interesting daily phone conversations (he lives in CO), good times together when we see each other and great sex and he doesn't love me, at least in the way that I want and need. He isn't going to be with me under any circumstances, especially since that would require him leaving his wife and two children.

STOP!

Before y'all get all judgemental, I knew and loved Marvin before he got married and for several years at the beginning of his marriage, we only talked on the phone. No, his wife doesn't know about me, our friendship, our conversations, etc. I know it was and is wrong, very, very, very wrong. Let's move past this point, shall we.

Anyway, over the last four years, we've been able to see each other a lot, almost quarterly because both our jobs allow us to travel and we can arrange things with little problem. For instance, Marvin's here, in Vegas for work and I'm here for #BWE08. He begins work on Monday, so he came a couple days early, easy to arrange. AGAIN, I KNOW THIS WRONG, JUST HEAR ME OUT!

Well, this time it's different. It's as though I had an epiphany of sorts, like I woke up from a dream. I have finally realized he doesn't love me. He has told me as much before and I shrugged it off as stress, thinking he needed more time or something else equally ridiculous.

I have been such a fucking idiot!. OMG, I thought I was smarter than this; I never saw myself as "her," the dumb girl. I used to kid myself into thinking he loved me because why would he sustain a friendship/relationship with someone who didn't live in the same city; it had to be about more than the sex; there are easier ways to have an affair. Right? Wrong, dumb ass!!!!!

When Marvin leaves for his hotel tomorrow, it will be the last time I will ever see him. I don't want to talk to him anymore; I don't want to be his friend any longer and I definitely refuse to be his ho' from this day forward.

I'll beat myself up on the inside for the rest of the day, then start the healing process of letting go of someone I have loved for almost sixteen years to the day. Marvin can't and won't give me what I want and need, so why should I hold onto him and this completely & utterly fucked-up relationship.

I turn 40 years old in 6 weeks and I fucking REFUSE to turn this corner of my life with the same dumb shit that has held me back, held me up and held me hostage for the last 16 damn years (sooooo stupid).

I'm making better decisions this time around, beginning with this one. Good-bye Marvin.