Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Fellas, why haven't y'all learned this lesson?

Don't tell me you care about me then break dates.

Don't tell me you respect me then keep pushing when I've said "No."

Don't tell me you love me then won't make time for me.

Don't tell me you're into me when I'm not a priority in your life.

Don't tell me, "I'm trying," when you haven't included me as part of the process.

Don't call, text or email to keep in touch, check in or to say, "Hi," then don't ask me out.

This is what a real man DOES when he is into me:

He calls a lot.

He spends time with me, vertically and horizontally.

He makes me a priority on his schedule.

He rearranges other appointments to see me.

He says, "No," to family and friends to be with me.

He goes to events he doesn't want to go to because I want to go.

And I do all of this for him as well.

From friends to....

We were just supposed to be friends with benefits...no fuss, no muss...that plan disappeared quicker than my straight hair on a July day in DC.

We had nights when were together and actually slept.
We had nights when we cuddled and I do not cuddle.
We had nights when we talked, shared and established true intimacy.
We were burgeoning on a real relationship.

Just as we were about to do this thing, the rug got pulled from under us. He had to move 500 miles away for a job. This is when it hit me, I really care for this man and I want him in my life.

He is a renaissance man. He has a master's degree in software engineering, and he is a gifted musician and song writer. Plus, he's an award winning restaurant manager and chef, who makes a serious smack-yo-mama spinach omelet.

He is fun. He likes to hang out or chill at home. He enjoys listening to classical music and bumping & grinding to Ludacris. He has a nice sense of humor and laughs at my silliness.

He appreciates me. He likes the fact that I can converse on a wide range of subjects. He respects my knowledge of football and digs the fact I'm a ballroom dancer.

It's pointless to ask why this has happened to me. All I can do is face my feelings and deal with them...I miss him. The good news is, he misses me too, so I'm not on this cliff alone.

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Speechless

There is nothing for me to say.

Some things I learned about myself in 2008

1. I need to pray and read my Bible daily.
2. I'm physically stronger than I thought.
3. I won't die if I'm alone.
4. I'm worth my weight in gold and more.
5. I am a good ballroom dancer.
6. I enjoy blogging, tweeting, uttering and being part of the online conversation.
7. My patience is rapidly wearing thin for stupidity.
8. I want a loving, supportive, nurturing and mature relationship.
9. I don't want to ever share a man again.
10. I want what I want and I don't want to compromise.
11. I am blessed beyond belief.
12. DNA doesn't determine my true family.
13. I decide who is sitting in the orchestra seats of my life.
14. There are some things better than sex.
(I didn't believe it at first)
15. Today's decisions determine tomorrow's consequences.
(already knew this, thought it was worth mentioning again)

Seven Days & Counting

I will be 40 years old in 7 days (God willing).

I am not married and I am not in a committed relationship.
I have loved and been loved by wonderful men, who I am glad I did not marry...one of us would be dead and the other in jail.
My next relationship is around the corner; I can feel it.

I do not have my PhD.
I do have my Masters degree and I have finally found a doctoral program that I'm interested in pursuing.
Georgetown is calling my name; I'll be there in August 2009.

I have not been to Africa, Asia, South America or Australia.
I have been to Canada, Europe, throughout Caribbean and across the US.
I'm going to back all of those regions, plus Africa in 2009 woohoo!!!!!

I can not speak another language.
This is a project for 2009.

I have not bungee jumped or ridden a zip line.
I jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 feet and I took 2 helicopter rides, one over the Grand Canyon.
Not sure if anything daring is in the plans for 2009.

I have not seen a bullfight.
I have been to a Washington Redskins home game.
I will go to Redskins next Superbowl game (hopefully I won't have to wait until I'm 50.

I have not won an Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Obie or Grammy.
I have won top regional ballroom dancing awards.
My first national competition is next month -- OMG!

I have not lost the weight I thought I would have by now.
I have not gained any weight this year.
This a project for 2009 (and beyond and beyond and beyond).

I have not begun journaling.
I started 2 blogs, have 20+ online community profiles and am meeting all kinds of intelligent, interesting and entertaining people.
I want to make these efforts profitable in 2009.

I do not have a best friend.
I have lots of fulfilling relationships with men & women around the world (thanks Twitter).
I love my tweeps.

I am in debt.
Who isn't?
I will be debt free in 2009.

I have built a strong Shaklee business.
I have Shaklee-ized my home, attended the conventions and have all the tools to explode onto the scene.
I will at least be a Director by June 30, 2009.

I have not run for political office.
Yeah, considering my first 39 years, this is coming off the list.

At a glance, I would say the first 39 have been pretty good w00t!

Everything in my life is excellent...

Everything in my life is excellent, loving family, caring friends, job I enjoy and a warm home.

Question: Then why am I feeling soooooo blah?????
Answer: I don't have anyone to share in my life's blessings.

Let me clarify a few points.

1. I'm not referring to sex or sexual partners.
2. I'm not referring to a husband.
3. I'm not referring to good girlfriends, sistagirls or BFFs.

I am referring to someone with whom I can enjoy the theatre or a good movie, go out dinner or cook dinner with, travel, sight see & explore, sit home and watch Boston Legal, cheer on the Skins, discuss politics, current events and celebrity gossip.

This past week I was in one of the most romantic areas I've ever experienced. There were quaint towns, charming villages, beautiful scenery, spectacular art and I was utterly alone and simultaneously lonely in the midst of our tour group.

It was a palpable loneliness, which I've previously experienced. It is suffocating, physically painful and at times seemingly unbearable. As an only child, I've been alone all of my life and I'm clear on the difference between being alone and being lonely. Most of the time they are mutually exclusive and at other times they collide into tsunami of emotional overload.

This is where I am right now, in a tsunami of being alone and being lonely, and it is becoming unbearable. What am going to do?