From friends to....

We were just supposed to be friends with benefits...no fuss, no muss...that plan disappeared quicker than my straight hair on a July day in DC.

We had nights when were together and actually slept.
We had nights when we cuddled and I do not cuddle.
We had nights when we talked, shared and established true intimacy.
We were burgeoning on a real relationship.

Just as we were about to do this thing, the rug got pulled from under us. He had to move 500 miles away for a job. This is when it hit me, I really care for this man and I want him in my life.

He is a renaissance man. He has a master's degree in software engineering, and he is a gifted musician and song writer. Plus, he's an award winning restaurant manager and chef, who makes a serious smack-yo-mama spinach omelet.

He is fun. He likes to hang out or chill at home. He enjoys listening to classical music and bumping & grinding to Ludacris. He has a nice sense of humor and laughs at my silliness.

He appreciates me. He likes the fact that I can converse on a wide range of subjects. He respects my knowledge of football and digs the fact I'm a ballroom dancer.

It's pointless to ask why this has happened to me. All I can do is face my feelings and deal with them...I miss him. The good news is, he misses me too, so I'm not on this cliff alone.

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

What I learned in the Blizzard of 2009

From the Twitterverse:

@Neilochka It's cold. I want a woman in bed. Sorry. It's true.
My reply: @Neilochka I['m] right there w/ you...I want a man in my bed *sigh* singledom


I had a wonderful day yesterday. I had all of the necessities for surviving the Blizzard of 2009: food, alcohol, toilet paper and the internet. I cooked, drank, watched some DVDs and had a ball with my tweeps. And though I was alone, I wasn't lonely...until it was time to go to bed.

Thus, I find myself in conflict this morning, as someone who doesn't believe in regrets and the subsequent wouldas, shouldas or couldas of life.

• It would've been nice to have someone to snuggle up with, even though I'm not a cuddler per se.
  
• I could've put up with a little snoring in lieu of the deafening silence of the snow covered streets.
  
• Having someone to share my food and adult beverages with would've been fun.
  
• Maybe I should have called him, we would've kept each other company.

I don't like these feelings, the doubt, uneasiness and lack of confidence; generally being off my game. This ain't me. I'm intelligent, confident, and decisive...in other words, I am that woman. I've had these feelings for some time, and while most people probably haven't noticed, I haven't been at my best for about a year or so.

I have allowed people to bring confusion, drama and mess into my life, thus bringing me down. I don't blame them, they are being themselves. The responsibility of how these people have effected me rests completely on my shoulders...and I'm not taking it anymore. I am in control of me, my mind, my heart, my home...my life.

I am that woman...I am intelligent, confident, decisive, creative, strong and wonderfully made in my God's image.

My search for authenticity begins with me.

This is it...I'm done being what you want/expect me to be...I'm going to be who I am, if you don't like it, get over it or get to steppin'.