I have thought of him many, many times since then.
I wondered what he was doing and where he was (he traveled for work).
I have had dreams about him, fantasies about the two of us and daydreams about what "shoulda, coulda, woulda" have been.
In the end, I held firm to my resolve and did not contact him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
The hardest part was letting go of my friend. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. There were no sacred cows, taboo subjects or beating around the bush. If one of us was about to make a mistake, the other gave warning and if one of us made a mistake, the other called foul. There would be months, when we didn't speak or see each other, but we would always get right back into each other lives and the rhythm of our relationship.
Well, after three years of no communication, he sent me an email to let me know he is very ill. As I read, reread and reread it, my heart grew heavier and tears filled my eyes. I wanted to go to him, to hold him and let him know how much he still means to me. The idea of him going through any pain or suffering is torturous to me. I still love him and would never want anything bad to befall him.
We are communicating again, and we will continue doing so. I could always make him laugh, and that is my goal, to keep him laughing, smiling, smirking, giggling, etc. The ubiquitous they say, laughter is the best medicine, and I'm making sure he gets a daily dose.
I won't walk away from my friend in his hour of need.
The DC Metro area isn't that big, with only about 1,000,000 folks here. Not to mention, I've lived here most of my life. Plus add to that, the fact I've been dating for 20+ years, and this becomes a confluence of circumstances that some call a pefect storm. I call it hell-on earth.
Due to my ever-evolving professional experiences and varied personal interests, I've had the good fortune of not running or bumping into past boyfriends, lovers, etc. If I have seen a former, it has been on my terms or at least I anticipated it. This works for me, it is how I like it. I'm not big into the "we can still be friends" thing. When it's over, it's over...I don't need to see you soon and you mos def don't need to see me again. This can (and has) lead to confusion with subsequents, and confusion is not good for anyone.
The problem is that as time passes and with the advent of social media, not to mention, seemingly no one ever leaves the DMV, there is a shift occurring...an unwanted and potentially dangerous shift.
I was recently at an event and TWO of my exes were there. Both are married and both hit on me at the event. *Put that aside for another post.* The point is, I had abso-f€cking-lutely no idea, thought or inclination they would be there. Further, there was no reason for me to be there, other than I was live-tweeting the event. It was so odd for the three of us to be there.
The bizarrest of bizarre part, I dated both of them 20 years ago, within a year of each other.
~Cue strange coincidence music.~
I wonder if this "storm" is going to become a regular thing...I hope not.
Me: I am single. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I have an advanced education, a home, a car and couple of side businesses. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I have traveled outside of the country on numerous occasions. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I have ridden in helicopters, swam with dolphins and jumped out of a plane. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I have a family that loves me, friends who care about me and a man who is into me. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I'm a ballroom dancer, foodie, social tech power-user and enjoy crossword puzzles . Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I'm happy, fun-loving and enjoy my life. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
As you can see, I'm living my life and not waiting for anyone or anything. No matter what I do or accomplish, seemingly, all that matters to them is "You've never been married and you don't have any children." The second "they" begin paying my mortgage, buying my food or start sending me on vacation, then I'll actually give a damn what "they" think.
I have a 52 yo girlfriend who won't wear a ring on her fourth finger because she is saving that finger for wedding ring...seriously. This mindset, saving or waiting for a husband before this or that is silly. Sisters, live your lives...stop waiting for anyone or anything.
I enjoy reading the Twitter bios people write about themselves. They often tell so much in so few characters. Those bios let you know right away who you're speaking to, what they most likely tweet about and most importantly, how the person views her/himself.
While Twitter is growing and more people are becoming personally transparent, the vast majority of us, even in the social media space, are still trying to become who we want to be. We are projecting who we want you to know, how we want you to perceive us and the manner in which we want to communicate. So what, people have been studying this for years. We all have up walls, let certain people see certain sides of us...big deal. In fact it is a huge deal, what happens when our perception of ourselves, however true or contrived, comes crumbling down? Let's look at a case study:
Delia considered herself a career woman. She had worked her way up the corporate ladder and had the trophies of success. When she found herself laid off and unable to find a comparable position after several years of searching, she was devastated. Her career defined her, and when that was gone, she didn't know what to do with herself.
She lost her home, down-sized to an apartment and eventually lost everything she had put in storage. She let go of her social life, claimed she was "too tired" to do this or that. She retreated into her apartment, not going anywhere or doing anything. She fell into depression and even considered suicide at one point.
Her friends prayed with her and for her. They shared what they had with her and continued to love her as they had always done.
She eventually got a new job and began to put her life together. Her decade long ordeal changed her perception of herself to one that isn't reliant on external forces, but is based on internal gifts, talents and abilities.
How do you define yourself? Is your perception of yourself dependent on external things? If thing(s) were to change, how would your self-perception change?
Of my serious relationships, I haven't had one with a guy who was "there." He was either on his way up "there" or leaving "there." He was either looking for a job, starting new career or in school and/or didn't have a home of his own...seriously. Then without fail, once they've gotten their shit together, we break up. Seemingly after I've supported them and am ready to reap the rewards of my patience and sacrifice, I get jipped.
I wonder what that's like, to date someone who is already "there" and established.
I find myself in a similar position again. He is great guy, we have a lot in common, have fun together and can talk to each other. When we started "dating" (go with me here) he was employed, then right as we decide to serious, he loses his job and moves away to begin a new career. He says he'll be back here in a year to be with me. He's is leaps and bounds ahead of the others, he owns his home where he's moved and in just the few weeks he's been gone, he's already accomplished some things to indicate his seriousness about coming back to me, plus he makes an effort to communicate with me everyday.
I've helped, supported, encouraged so many men, only to be left with memories and unfulfilled promises and dreams. Do I dare give it one more shot? Do I yet again put energy into building someone else up? Do I get my hopes up again for yet another possibility?
I once read: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It's tough being strong ALL the time. I want some down time. I want to let down my guard, relax and let someone else do it, handle it, settle it and take care of it.
Is marriage the answer...not necessarily. I know plenty of people in jacked relationships. Not only is one person bringing home the bacon and frying it, s/he is also milking the cow, gathering eggs and tending the vegetable garden. No thank you!
I can (and am) already do all of that without the baggage of someone sucking more life outta me.
I want someone else to take care of stuff for me, if only temporarily.
I want someone else to keep the train on schedule, if only from here to Union Station.
And, I want someone else to make my damn dinner for a change, if only spaghetti.
We were just supposed to be friends with benefits...no fuss, no muss...that plan disappeared quicker than my straight hair on a July day in DC.
We had nights when were together and actually slept. We had nights when we cuddled and I do not cuddle. We had nights when we talked, shared and established true intimacy. We were burgeoning on a real relationship.
Just as we were about to do this thing, the rug got pulled from under us. He had to move 500 miles away for a job. This is when it hit me, I really care for this man and I want him in my life.
He is a renaissance man. He has a master's degree in software engineering, and he is a gifted musician and song writer. Plus, he's an award winning restaurant manager and chef, who makes a serious smack-yo-mama spinach omelet.
He is fun. He likes to hang out or chill at home. He enjoys listening to classical music and bumping & grinding to Ludacris. He has a nice sense of humor and laughs at my silliness.
He appreciates me. He likes the fact that I can converse on a wide range of subjects. He respects my knowledge of football and digs the fact I'm a ballroom dancer.
It's pointless to ask why this has happened to me. All I can do is face my feelings and deal with them...I miss him. The good news is, he misses me too, so I'm not on this cliff alone.
I want women to bookmark this post. Whenever you need a pick-me-up or self esteem boost, come here and get what you need to hold on, get through, overcome and excel.
I want men to bookmark this post. Whenever a woman in your life loses her pep, stops smiling or is too tough on herself, send her this link to find encouragement and strength.
In my teen years, I wanted the fairytale: the castle, Prince Charming, and happily ever-after.
In my 20s, I wanted the fantasy: fame, fortune, adventure, a Duke and happily ever-after.
In my 30s, I wanted the dream: passion, romance, travel, an Earl and happily ever-after.
In my 40s, I want it ALL and more: love, passion, travel, romance, adventure, joy, happily ever-after, laughter, peace and I'll take a Viscount or Baron if one is hanging around, maybe.
And yes, I've kissed more than my fair share of frogs, and still no Prince Charming.
My sistas, we will overlook the great opportunities ahead, the grand adventures to come and the splendid times that await, if we stay focused on not being married. I am not anti-marriage or against loving, supportive, healthy relationships; however, I refuse to base my contentment, my happiness and my existence on what I don't have. I define me, whether or not I'm with a man only lets folks know I'm gettin' it on regular.
As Grandma used to say, "a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush," and my hands are overflowing with dreams to fulfill, goals to meet and the desires to feed. Until I choose to have a relationship, I'll be livin' the single life.
To whomever your Creator be, I pray you receive all your mind can conceive and your heart can receive. I pray you take the path less traveled, walking in the sunshine and singing in the rain. I pray you smile everyday, laugh often, give freely and receive openly. I pray you have peace of mind and contentment of spirit. I pray you have unspeakable joy and love of self. I pray you have abundant blessings.
I'm not going to expound on this video, rather just offer a few insights from someone who's been where these women currently find themselves.
As startling as it may seem, single women are single by choice. Every decision we've made and its subsequent consequence has led us to this point in time. We may not want to admit it, but we must face it in order to learn and grow. We have to examine our relationship decisions, hopefully learning from them, and making better ones in the future.
Getting married is easy, being content and satisfied in the marriage is hard as hell. If all we want is to get married, have our day in the spotlight with the dress, flowers, gifts, reception, etc., then that can happen without much effort at all. However, if we want a contented and satisfying life, then we have to stop looking outside of ourselves at what we don't have and treasuring and nurturing the relationships we do have.
Throw whatever Man Qualifying Checklist you have in the trash. In our twenties, we all had the list: he had to be this tall, this complexion, work here, drive this, live there, go to this church, had attended this school, yada, yada, yada, plus be supportive, kind, loving, blah, blah, blah. As we got older, the list got shorter and the priorities began to shift. We have to focus on those qualities that truly define a person of character and forget the BS. No one's obituary has ever listed their credit score, the car they drove or how many suits they had.
Reality is a bitch. The truth of the matter is that many of my sistas and I may not ever get married. It is a hard, cold fact of life, and one that used to keep me up at night. We are social beings by nature and nurture; however, not being married should not stop us from living the best possible lives we can. No man (or woman) should ever have the power to determine the quality of our lives.
Finally, as a former choir director once said, "it is better to be single and want to be married, than to be married and want to be single."Amen! I know too many people in horrible marriages, he cheated, she lied, she's lazy, he's trifling and so on and so on and so on. Everyone hopes for the til death do us part, but the US divorce rate is 50%...the odds are not exactly with the house.
To my sistas, keep your heads held high, make smart choices and learn from your past, learn about yourself and live to your fullest.
Life is going to happen: jobs will be trying, children will be selfish and family will want attention. As long as we live, life is going to get in the way of our living. We do the right things: we go to school, eat our vegetables, pay our taxes, teach our children to say "please" and "thank you," and life still throws us curve balls, sliders and change-ups. So what do we do?
We keep living...we don't let life get in our way. We can't let life keep us down, stress us out, break our spirits or consume our thoughts. Life is no excuse for not living to our fullest potential. So often I hear people putting their lives on hold because of life, and I'm not saying there aren't times when life demands our attention, such as with an illness, death, job loss, etc. I am saying that we must do everything in our power to not let life control, manipulate and take over our lives.
Life will go on with or without us, so why not live?
According to dictionary.com, to adore means "to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor; to like or admire very much."
This is wonderful. To have someone feel this way about me is amazing and to have someone actually say the words to me is humbling...if only I believed him.*
He says he adores me, but only calls about once a week. He says he adores me, but hasn't taken me out since my birthday in November. He says he adores me, but hasn't spent any time with me in over 6 weeks. He says he adores me, but rarely accepts invitations to do things with me. He says he adores me, but has canceled dates at the last minute or stood me up altogether.
He says one thing, but does other things that are completely contradictory. If this is how he adores me, I liked it better when he only kinda liked me.
You don't have to pee on my head and tell me its raining. I get the message loud and clear; he's just not that into me.
@NeilochkaIt's cold. I want a woman in bed. Sorry. It's true. My reply:@Neilochka I['m] right there w/ you...I want a man in my bed *sigh* singledom
I had a wonderful day yesterday. I had all of the necessities for surviving the Blizzard of 2009: food, alcohol, toilet paper and the internet. I cooked, drank, watched some DVDs and had a ball with my tweeps. And though I was alone, I wasn't lonely...until it was time to go to bed.
Thus, I find myself in conflict this morning, as someone who doesn't believe in regrets and the subsequent wouldas, shouldas or couldas of life.
It would've been nice to have someone to snuggle up with, even though I'm not a cuddler per se.
I could've put up with a little snoring in lieu of the deafening silence of the snow covered streets.
Having someone to share my food and adult beverages with would've been fun.
Maybe I should have called him, we would've kept each other company.
I don't like these feelings, the doubt, uneasiness and lack of confidence; generally being off my game. This ain't me. I'm intelligent, confident, and decisive...in other words, I am that woman. I've had these feelings for some time, and while most people probably haven't noticed, I haven't been at my best for about a year or so.
I have allowed people to bring confusion, drama and mess into my life, thus bringing me down. I don't blame them, they are being themselves. The responsibility of how these people have effected me rests completely on my shoulders...and I'm not taking it anymore. I am in control of me, my mind, my heart, my home...my life.
I am that woman...I am intelligent, confident, decisive, creative, strong and wonderfully made in my God's image.
My search for authenticity begins with me.
This is it...I'm done being what you want/expect me to be...I'm going to be who I am, if you don't like it, get over it or get to steppin'.
I heard this for the first time last night and almost had an accident because my eyes were filled with tears. I pray we find this kind of friendship, companionship and love at least once in our lives.
Posts
