I have thought of him many, many times since then.
I wondered what he was doing and where he was (he traveled for work).
I have had dreams about him, fantasies about the two of us and daydreams about what "shoulda, coulda, woulda" have been.
In the end, I held firm to my resolve and did not contact him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
The hardest part was letting go of my friend. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. There were no sacred cows, taboo subjects or beating around the bush. If one of us was about to make a mistake, the other gave warning and if one of us made a mistake, the other called foul. There would be months, when we didn't speak or see each other, but we would always get right back into each other lives and the rhythm of our relationship.
Well, after three years of no communication, he sent me an email to let me know he is very ill. As I read, reread and reread it, my heart grew heavier and tears filled my eyes. I wanted to go to him, to hold him and let him know how much he still means to me. The idea of him going through any pain or suffering is torturous to me. I still love him and would never want anything bad to befall him.
We are communicating again, and we will continue doing so. I could always make him laugh, and that is my goal, to keep him laughing, smiling, smirking, giggling, etc. The ubiquitous they say, laughter is the best medicine, and I'm making sure he gets a daily dose.
I won't walk away from my friend in his hour of need.
The DC Metro area isn't that big, with only about 1,000,000 folks here. Not to mention, I've lived here most of my life. Plus add to that, the fact I've been dating for 20+ years, and this becomes a confluence of circumstances that some call a pefect storm. I call it hell-on earth.
Due to my ever-evolving professional experiences and varied personal interests, I've had the good fortune of not running or bumping into past boyfriends, lovers, etc. If I have seen a former, it has been on my terms or at least I anticipated it. This works for me, it is how I like it. I'm not big into the "we can still be friends" thing. When it's over, it's over...I don't need to see you soon and you mos def don't need to see me again. This can (and has) lead to confusion with subsequents, and confusion is not good for anyone.
The problem is that as time passes and with the advent of social media, not to mention, seemingly no one ever leaves the DMV, there is a shift occurring...an unwanted and potentially dangerous shift.
I was recently at an event and TWO of my exes were there. Both are married and both hit on me at the event. *Put that aside for another post.* The point is, I had abso-f€cking-lutely no idea, thought or inclination they would be there. Further, there was no reason for me to be there, other than I was live-tweeting the event. It was so odd for the three of us to be there.
The bizarrest of bizarre part, I dated both of them 20 years ago, within a year of each other.
~Cue strange coincidence music.~
I wonder if this "storm" is going to become a regular thing...I hope not.
Me: I am single. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I have an advanced education, a home, a car and couple of side businesses. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I have traveled outside of the country on numerous occasions. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I have ridden in helicopters, swam with dolphins and jumped out of a plane. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I have a family that loves me, friends who care about me and a man who is into me. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I'm a ballroom dancer, foodie, social tech power-user and enjoy crossword puzzles . Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
Me: I'm happy, fun-loving and enjoy my life. Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.
As you can see, I'm living my life and not waiting for anyone or anything. No matter what I do or accomplish, seemingly, all that matters to them is "You've never been married and you don't have any children." The second "they" begin paying my mortgage, buying my food or start sending me on vacation, then I'll actually give a damn what "they" think.
I have a 52 yo girlfriend who won't wear a ring on her fourth finger because she is saving that finger for wedding ring...seriously. This mindset, saving or waiting for a husband before this or that is silly. Sisters, live your lives...stop waiting for anyone or anything.
I enjoy reading the Twitter bios people write about themselves. They often tell so much in so few characters. Those bios let you know right away who you're speaking to, what they most likely tweet about and most importantly, how the person views her/himself.
While Twitter is growing and more people are becoming personally transparent, the vast majority of us, even in the social media space, are still trying to become who we want to be. We are projecting who we want you to know, how we want you to perceive us and the manner in which we want to communicate. So what, people have been studying this for years. We all have up walls, let certain people see certain sides of us...big deal. In fact it is a huge deal, what happens when our perception of ourselves, however true or contrived, comes crumbling down? Let's look at a case study:
Delia considered herself a career woman. She had worked her way up the corporate ladder and had the trophies of success. When she found herself laid off and unable to find a comparable position after several years of searching, she was devastated. Her career defined her, and when that was gone, she didn't know what to do with herself.
She lost her home, down-sized to an apartment and eventually lost everything she had put in storage. She let go of her social life, claimed she was "too tired" to do this or that. She retreated into her apartment, not going anywhere or doing anything. She fell into depression and even considered suicide at one point.
Her friends prayed with her and for her. They shared what they had with her and continued to love her as they had always done.
She eventually got a new job and began to put her life together. Her decade long ordeal changed her perception of herself to one that isn't reliant on external forces, but is based on internal gifts, talents and abilities.
How do you define yourself? Is your perception of yourself dependent on external things? If thing(s) were to change, how would your self-perception change?
Of my serious relationships, I haven't had one with a guy who was "there." He was either on his way up "there" or leaving "there." He was either looking for a job, starting new career or in school and/or didn't have a home of his own...seriously. Then without fail, once they've gotten their shit together, we break up. Seemingly after I've supported them and am ready to reap the rewards of my patience and sacrifice, I get jipped.
I wonder what that's like, to date someone who is already "there" and established.
I find myself in a similar position again. He is great guy, we have a lot in common, have fun together and can talk to each other. When we started "dating" (go with me here) he was employed, then right as we decide to serious, he loses his job and moves away to begin a new career. He says he'll be back here in a year to be with me. He's is leaps and bounds ahead of the others, he owns his home where he's moved and in just the few weeks he's been gone, he's already accomplished some things to indicate his seriousness about coming back to me, plus he makes an effort to communicate with me everyday.
I've helped, supported, encouraged so many men, only to be left with memories and unfulfilled promises and dreams. Do I dare give it one more shot? Do I yet again put energy into building someone else up? Do I get my hopes up again for yet another possibility?
I once read: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
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