Shannon's Search for Authenticity

He's Baaaacccckkkkkk

2011-07-06T09:48:00.005-04:00

It's been nearly three years since I said good-bye to him.

I have thought of him many, many times since then.

I wondered what he was doing and where he was (he traveled for work).

I have had dreams about him, fantasies about the two of us and daydreams about what "shoulda, coulda, woulda" have been.

In the end, I held firm to my resolve and did not contact him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The hardest part was letting go of my friend. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. There were no sacred cows, taboo subjects or beating around the bush. If one of us was about to make a mistake, the other gave warning and if one of us made a mistake, the other called foul. There would be months, when we didn't speak or see each other, but we would always get right back into each other lives and the rhythm of our relationship.

Well, after three years of no communication, he sent me an email to let me know he is very ill. As I read, reread and reread it, my heart grew heavier and tears filled my eyes. I wanted to go to him, to hold him and let him know how much he still means to me. The idea of him going through any pain or suffering is torturous to me. I still love him and would never want anything bad to befall him.

We are communicating again, and we will continue doing so. I could always make him laugh, and that is my goal, to keep him laughing, smiling, smirking, giggling, etc. The ubiquitous they say, laughter is the best medicine, and I'm making sure he gets a daily dose.

I won't walk away from my friend in his hour of need.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

2011-03-06T18:41:00.005-05:00

Fellas, why haven't y'all learned this lesson?

Don't tell me you care about me then break dates.

Don't tell me you respect me then keep pushing when I've said "No."

Don't tell me you love me then won't make time for me.

Don't tell me you're into me when I'm not a priority in your life.

Don't tell me, "I'm trying," when you haven't included me as part of the process.

Don't call, text or email to keep in touch, check in or to say, "Hi," then don't ask me out.

This is what a real man DOES when he is into me:

He calls a lot.

He spends time with me, vertically and horizontally.

He makes me a priority on his schedule.

He rearranges other appointments to see me.

He says, "No," to family and friends to be with me.

He goes to events he doesn't want to go to because I want to go.

And I do all of this for him as well.

When My Past & Present Collide

2011-03-05T13:46:00.002-05:00

It was bound to happen.

The DC Metro area isn't that big, with only about 1,000,000 folks here. Not to mention, I've lived here most of my life. Plus add to that, the fact I've been dating for 20+ years, and this becomes a confluence of circumstances that some call a pefect storm. I call it hell-on earth.

Due to my ever-evolving professional experiences and varied personal interests, I've had the good fortune of not running or bumping into past boyfriends, lovers, etc. If I have seen a former, it has been on my terms or at least I anticipated it. This works for me, it is how I like it. I'm not big into the "we can still be friends" thing. When it's over, it's over...I don't need to see you soon and you mos def don't need to see me again. This can (and has) lead to confusion with subsequents, and confusion is not good for anyone.

The problem is that as time passes and with the advent of social media, not to mention, seemingly no one ever leaves the DMV, there is a shift occurring...an unwanted and potentially dangerous shift.

I was recently at an event and TWO of my exes were there. Both are married and both hit on me at the event. *Put that aside for another post.* The point is, I had abso-f€cking-lutely no idea, thought or inclination they would be there. Further, there was no reason for me to be there, other than I was live-tweeting the event. It was so odd for the three of us to be there.

The bizarrest of bizarre part, I dated both of them 20 years ago, within a year of each other.

~Cue strange coincidence music.~

I wonder if this "storm" is going to become a regular thing...I hope not.

"They" Can K*ss My Ass

2010-08-13T11:08:00.013-04:00

Me: I am single.
Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.

Me: I have an advanced education, a home, a car and couple of side businesses.
Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.

Me: I have traveled outside of the country on numerous occasions.
Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.

Me: I have ridden in helicopters, swam with dolphins and jumped out of a plane.
Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.

Me: I have a family that loves me, friends who care about me and a man who is into me.
Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.

Me: I'm a ballroom dancer, foodie, social tech power-user and enjoy crossword puzzles .
Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.

Me: I'm happy, fun-loving and enjoy my life.
Them: You've never been married and you don't have any children.

As you can see, I'm living my life and not waiting for anyone or anything. No matter what I do or accomplish, seemingly, all that matters to them is "You've never been married and you don't have any children." The second "they" begin paying my mortgage, buying my food or start sending me on vacation, then I'll actually give a damn what "they" think.

I have a 52 yo girlfriend who won't wear a ring on her fourth finger because she is saving that finger for wedding ring...seriously. This mindset, saving or waiting for a husband before this or that is silly. Sisters, live your lives...stop waiting for anyone or anything.

How do you define yourself?

2010-06-21T20:10:00.005-04:00

I enjoy reading the Twitter bios people write about themselves. They often tell so much in so few characters. Those bios let you know right away who you're speaking to, what they most likely tweet about and most importantly, how the person views her/himself.

While Twitter is growing and more people are becoming personally transparent, the vast majority of us, even in the social media space, are still trying to become who we want to be. We are projecting who we want you to know, how we want you to perceive us and the manner in which we want to communicate. So what, people have been studying this for years. We all have up walls, let certain people see certain sides of us...big deal. In fact it is a huge deal, what happens when our perception of ourselves, however true or contrived, comes crumbling down?

Let's look at a case study:

Delia considered herself a career woman. She had worked her way up the corporate ladder and had the trophies of success. When she found herself laid off and unable to find a comparable position after several years of searching, she was devastated. Her career defined her, and when that was gone, she didn't know what to do with herself.

She lost her home, down-sized to an apartment and eventually lost everything she had put in storage. She let go of her social life, claimed she was "too tired" to do this or that. She retreated into her apartment, not going anywhere or doing anything. She fell into depression and even considered suicide at one point.

Her friends prayed with her and for her. They shared what they had with her and continued to love her as they had always done.

She eventually got a new job and began to put her life together. Her decade long ordeal changed her perception of herself to one that isn't reliant on external forces, but is based on internal gifts, talents and abilities.

How do you define yourself?
Is your perception of yourself dependent on external things?
If thing(s) were to change, how would your self-perception change?

Here I go again...or do I?

2010-05-02T16:54:00.005-04:00

Of my serious relationships, I haven't had one with a guy who was "there." He was either on his way up "there" or leaving "there." He was either looking for a job, starting new career or in school and/or didn't have a home of his own...seriously. Then without fail, once they've gotten their shit together, we break up. Seemingly after I've supported them and am ready to reap the rewards of my patience and sacrifice, I get jipped.

I wonder what that's like, to date someone who is already "there" and established.

I find myself in a similar position again. He is great guy, we have a lot in common, have fun together and can talk to each other. When we started "dating" (go with me here) he was employed, then right as we decide to serious, he loses his job and moves away to begin a new career. He says he'll be back here in a year to be with me. He's is leaps and bounds ahead of the others, he owns his home where he's moved and in just the few weeks he's been gone, he's already accomplished some things to indicate his seriousness about coming back to me, plus he makes an effort to communicate with me everyday.

I've helped, supported, encouraged so many men, only to be left with memories and unfulfilled promises and dreams. Do I dare give it one more shot? Do I yet again put energy into building someone else up? Do I get my hopes up again for yet another possibility?

I once read: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Yep, I'm going for it.

strong ALL the time

2010-04-01T09:31:00.000-04:00

It's tough being strong ALL the time. I want some down time. I want to let down my guard, relax and let someone else do it, handle it, settle it and take care of it.

Is marriage the answer...not necessarily. I know plenty of people in jacked relationships. Not only is one person bringing home the bacon and frying it, s/he is also milking the cow, gathering eggs and tending the vegetable garden. No thank you!

I can (and am) already do all of that without the baggage of someone sucking more life outta me.

I want someone else to take care of stuff for me, if only temporarily.

I want someone else to keep the train on schedule, if only from here to Union Station.

And, I want someone else to make my damn dinner for a change, if only spaghetti.

Yeah, I'm whining...so what....it's my blog.

From friends to....

2010-03-21T19:19:00.004-04:00

We were just supposed to be friends with benefits...no fuss, no muss...that plan disappeared quicker than my straight hair on a July day in DC.

We had nights when were together and actually slept.
We had nights when we cuddled and I do not cuddle.
We had nights when we talked, shared and established true intimacy.
We were burgeoning on a real relationship.

Just as we were about to do this thing, the rug got pulled from under us. He had to move 500 miles away for a job. This is when it hit me, I really care for this man and I want him in my life.

He is a renaissance man. He has a master's degree in software engineering, and he is a gifted musician and song writer. Plus, he's an award winning restaurant manager and chef, who makes a serious smack-yo-mama spinach omelet.

He is fun. He likes to hang out or chill at home. He enjoys listening to classical music and bumping & grinding to Ludacris. He has a nice sense of humor and laughs at my silliness.

He appreciates me. He likes the fact that I can converse on a wide range of subjects. He respects my knowledge of football and digs the fact I'm a ballroom dancer.

It's pointless to ask why this has happened to me. All I can do is face my feelings and deal with them...I miss him. The good news is, he misses me too, so I'm not on this cliff alone.

*sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh*

Music for the Female Soul

2010-02-14T09:45:00.007-05:00

February 13th was Madly in Love with Me Day. I say, everyday is madly in love with me day.

I want women to bookmark this post. Whenever you need a pick-me-up or self esteem boost, come here and get what you need to hold on, get through, overcome and excel.

I want men to bookmark this post. Whenever a woman in your life loses her pep, stops smiling or is too tough on herself, send her this link to find encouragement and strength.

Ya Gotta Be Des'ree
I’m Every Woman Chaka Kahn
A Woman’s Worth Alicia Keys
RESPECT Aretha Franklin
New Attitude Patti LaBelle
Single Ladies Beyonce Knowles
Golden Jill Scott
Before He Cheats Carrie Underwood
No Scrubs TLC
No More Drama Mary J. Blige
Unwritten Natasha Bedingfield
Breakaway Kelly Clarkson
I Don't Need a Man The Pussycat Dolls
Redneck Woman Gretchen Wilson
Single Natasha Bedingfeld
Bitch Meredith Brooks
Miss Independent Kelly Clarskson
Too Little Too Late Jojo

Survivor Destiny’s Child
I Will Survive Gloria Gaynor
Control Janet Jackson
Expression Salt N Pepa
U.N.I.T.Y. Queen Latifah
Goodbye Earl Dixie Chicks
Independent Women Destiny's Child
Just Fine Mary J. Blige
It's Not Right But It's Okay Whitney Houston
Irreplaceable Beyonce
Keep On Walking CeCe Peniston
Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves Annie Lennox and Aretha Franklin

Let me know the others I should include in this list.

From Prince Charming to a Baron...D*mn

2010-01-08T15:34:00.007-05:00

In my teen years, I wanted the fairytale: the castle, Prince Charming, and happily ever-after.

In my 20s, I wanted the fantasy: fame, fortune, adventure, a Duke and happily ever-after.

In my 30s, I wanted the dream: passion, romance, travel, an Earl and happily ever-after.

In my 40s, I want it ALL and more: love, passion, travel, romance, adventure, joy, happily ever-after, laughter, peace and I'll take a Viscount or Baron if one is hanging around, maybe.

And yes, I've kissed more than my fair share of frogs, and still no Prince Charming.

How to date me

2010-01-07T21:48:00.006-05:00

To date a Scorpio woman, a man must realize that she is a highly sexual being that is aroused by power.

Man the f*ck up!
You say you want me, then come and get me!
I can't stand a punk-a$$ beotchy man!

a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush

2010-01-04T20:41:00.007-05:00

My sistas, we will overlook the great opportunities ahead, the grand adventures to come and the splendid times that await, if we stay focused on not being married. I am not anti-marriage or against loving, supportive, healthy relationships; however, I refuse to base my contentment, my happiness and my existence on what I don't have. I define me, whether or not I'm with a man only lets folks know I'm gettin' it on regular.

As Grandma used to say, "a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush," and my hands are overflowing with dreams to fulfill, goals to meet and the desires to feed. Until I choose to have a relationship, I'll be livin' the single life.

My 2010 Prayer

2010-01-01T20:05:00.001-05:00

This is my 2010 prayer for us.

To whomever your Creator be,
I pray you receive all your mind can conceive and your heart can receive.
I pray you take the path less traveled, walking in the sunshine and singing in the rain.
I pray you smile everyday, laugh often, give freely and receive openly.
I pray you have peace of mind and contentment of spirit.
I pray you have unspeakable joy and love of self.
I pray you have abundant blessings.

Amen.

On being a single Black woman

2009-12-30T15:30:00.004-05:00

I'm not going to expound on this video, rather just offer a few insights from someone who's been where these women currently find themselves.

As startling as it may seem, single women are single by choice. Every decision we've made and its subsequent consequence has led us to this point in time. We may not want to admit it, but we must face it in order to learn and grow. We have to examine our relationship decisions, hopefully learning from them, and making better ones in the future.

Getting married is easy, being content and satisfied in the marriage is hard as hell. If all we want is to get married, have our day in the spotlight with the dress, flowers, gifts, reception, etc., then that can happen without much effort at all. However, if we want a contented and satisfying life, then we have to stop looking outside of ourselves at what we don't have and treasuring and nurturing the relationships we do have.

Throw whatever Man Qualifying Checklist you have in the trash. In our twenties, we all had the list: he had to be this tall, this complexion, work here, drive this, live there, go to this church, had attended this school, yada, yada, yada, plus be supportive, kind, loving, blah, blah, blah. As we got older, the list got shorter and the priorities began to shift. We have to focus on those qualities that truly define a person of character and forget the BS. No one's obituary has ever listed their credit score, the car they drove or how many suits they had.

Reality is a bitch. The truth of the matter is that many of my sistas and I may not ever get married. It is a hard, cold fact of life, and one that used to keep me up at night. We are social beings by nature and nurture; however, not being married should not stop us from living the best possible lives we can. No man (or woman) should ever have the power to determine the quality of our lives.

Finally, as a former choir director once said, "it is better to be single and want to be married, than to be married and want to be single." Amen! I know too many people in horrible marriages, he cheated, she lied, she's lazy, he's trifling and so on and so on and so on. Everyone hopes for the til death do us part, but the US divorce rate is 50%...the odds are not exactly with the house.

To my sistas, keep your heads held high, make smart choices and learn from your past, learn about yourself and live to your fullest.

Living...in spite of Life

2009-12-22T20:03:00.006-05:00

I tweeted this earlier today, "I'm sick of people using life as an excuse not to live."

Life is going to happen: jobs will be trying, children will be selfish and family will want attention. As long as we live, life is going to get in the way of our living. We do the right things: we go to school, eat our vegetables, pay our taxes, teach our children to say "please" and "thank you," and life still throws us curve balls, sliders and change-ups. So what do we do?

We keep living...we don't let life get in our way. We can't let life keep us down, stress us out, break our spirits or consume our thoughts. Life is no excuse for not living to our fullest potential. So often I hear people putting their lives on hold because of life, and I'm not saying there aren't times when life demands our attention, such as with an illness, death, job loss, etc. I am saying that we must do everything in our power to not let life control, manipulate and take over our lives.

Life will go on with or without us, so why not live?

he ADORES me...so he says

2009-12-21T21:12:00.008-05:00

He told me, "I adore you."
Really?

According to dictionary.com, to adore means "to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor; to like or admire very much."

This is wonderful. To have someone feel this way about me is amazing and to have someone actually say the words to me is humbling...if only I believed him.*

He says he adores me, but only calls about once a week.
He says he adores me, but hasn't taken me out since my birthday in November.
He says he adores me, but hasn't spent any time with me in over 6 weeks.
He says he adores me, but rarely accepts invitations to do things with me.
He says he adores me, but has canceled dates at the last minute or stood me up altogether.

He says one thing, but does other things that are completely contradictory. If this is how he adores me, I liked it better when he only kinda liked me.

You don't have to pee on my head and tell me its raining. I get the message loud and clear; he's just not that into me.

*Cleaning house for 2010.

What I learned in the Blizzard of 2009

2009-12-20T11:20:00.013-05:00

From the Twitterverse:

@Neilochka It's cold. I want a woman in bed. Sorry. It's true.
My reply: @Neilochka I['m] right there w/ you...I want a man in my bed *sigh* singledom

I had a wonderful day yesterday. I had all of the necessities for surviving the Blizzard of 2009: food, alcohol, toilet paper and the internet. I cooked, drank, watched some DVDs and had a ball with my tweeps. And though I was alone, I wasn't lonely...until it was time to go to bed.

Thus, I find myself in conflict this morning, as someone who doesn't believe in regrets and the subsequent wouldas, shouldas or couldas of life.

It would've been nice to have someone to snuggle up with, even though I'm not a cuddler per se.
I could've put up with a little snoring in lieu of the deafening silence of the snow covered streets.
Having someone to share my food and adult beverages with would've been fun.
Maybe I should have called him, we would've kept each other company.

I don't like these feelings, the doubt, uneasiness and lack of confidence; generally being off my game. This ain't me. I'm intelligent, confident, and decisive...in other words, I am that woman. I've had these feelings for some time, and while most people probably haven't noticed, I haven't been at my best for about a year or so.

I have allowed people to bring confusion, drama and mess into my life, thus bringing me down. I don't blame them, they are being themselves. The responsibility of how these people have effected me rests completely on my shoulders...and I'm not taking it anymore. I am in control of me, my mind, my heart, my home...my life.

I am that woman...I am intelligent, confident, decisive, creative, strong and wonderfully made in my God's image.

My search for authenticity begins with me.

This is it...I'm done being what you want/expect me to be...I'm going to be who I am, if you don't like it, get over it or get to steppin'.

Now is the time

2009-12-07T05:19:00.002-05:00

Time to let go of the excuses...
Time to let go of the bullsh*t...
It's time to walk the talk!
Who's with me?!?

He Heals Me

2009-12-04T20:50:00.003-05:00

I heard this for the first time last night and almost had an accident because my eyes were filled with tears. I pray we find this kind of friendship, companionship and love at least once in our lives.

I'm #thankfulfor my health

2009-11-06T13:40:00.005-05:00

I'm #thankfulfor my health. I have all of my extremities, the use of all five senses. I can walk, talk, eat, think, dance, etc. without assistance. I treat my body right, I don't smoke, do drugs or participate in dangerous activities [don't judge me ;-)].

But I can be better, much better. I can cut back some of the alcohol, drink more water, get more regular exercise. The question is why don't I? The answer is simple, until I'm sick & tired of being overweight, I won't make a change. I do know that I'm getting closer to that point everyday.

I am disappointed in myself for not looking better physically. Don't get me wrong, I don't look bad, but I know I can look better. I've looked better; I lost 60 lbs in 1990 and kept if off for 7 years. I looked amazing! What is the line from Austin Powers, "men wanted me and women wanted to be me," LOLLLLL! It was a lot of work to look amazing, and I damn sure don't want to work that hard. I could go for looking great, which is better than where I am, but not as stressful as amazing.

Yeah, I want to look great...I'm having an epiphany.

Gotta run, stay tuned...I'll keep you posted.

I'm #thankfulfor my extended family

2009-11-04T19:56:00.007-05:00

As an only child, it has always been Daddy, Mother and me. It has been the three of us for as long as I can remember, meaning we were each other's worlds, but I've never felt as though I was from a small family. For as much as my earliest memories are of my parents, they also include several members of my extended family.

I'm #thankfulfor my grandparents (now deceased), aunts, uncles and cousins, they love me as daughter and sister.

Honor Roll of Family
Lucy, George, Reava, Pauline, Ellsworth, Louise, Brewster, Melvin, Ollie, Clarence, Rubin, Dot, Jackie, Joe, Sean, David, Rod and Tony.

Thank you!!!!

It's November and you know what that means

2009-11-01T22:16:00.000-05:00

It is November 1st, 2009, seven days until my 3rd-39th birthday.

As in years past, I use this season to reflect on the previous twelve months and look forward to the next twelve months. I consider my emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical well-being.

Have I progressed or digressed in any of these areas?
Have I met last year's short-term goals and made perceptible progress on my long-term goals? Are the long-term goals still applicable/valuable?
Have I been a good person this year, helped others, supported my chosen nonprofits, given to my church, etc.?
Have I picked up any new habits, if so, are they "good" or "bad?"
What are my goals for next year? What are the milestones on the way to the finish line?
Are there new things I can learn? What can I learn to do better?
Have I spoken life, love, joy and peace this year?
Have I been a friend? Have I forgiven those who trespassed against me?
Have those in my life brought positivity, energy, laughter, etc.?
Have I been the best Shannon I know I can be?
Did I give my life 100%?

You get the idea.

At first glance, this 40th year seems to have been pretty good; however, there is always need for reflection and definitely room for improvement: going further, doing better, digging deeper, reaching higher and going above & beyond.

I invite you, my family, friends, tweeps, followers, connections, readers, fans and haters ;-) to join me on my journey this month. I'm beginning by being thankful and grateful:

"First and foremost, I'm #thankfulfor my Lord and savior Jesus Christ, who gave his life that I am saved."

Facing my fears

2009-08-30T21:38:00.005-04:00

I've known Peggy all of my life, upon first look, you may think, "I don't wanna run into her in a dark ally." She is loud, speaks her mind using a variety of 4-letter words and has physically fought men for dissin' her. I can confidently say she ain't afraid of anything that walks on two legs; however, on last Sunday I saw a very different side of her.

She practically ran to the other side of the backyard when she saw a cricket near her...Peggy is scared of bugs...who woulda thought?!? Peggy wasn't kidding around or being funny, she was genuinely uncomfortable and physically extricated herself from the bug's vicinity; she proceeded to watch that one cricket the rest of the afternoon.

Let's be fair to Peggy, some fears are normal, healthy and good. Fear is our mind's way of letting us know danger may be afoot. Some common fears include: speaking in public, heights, being closed in a small space, spiders & bugs (Peggy), needles & getting shots (my Daddy), death, flying on a plane, dogs, thunder & lightning and crowds. When these fears begin to impede our lives, hamper our success or become irrational, is when they've progressed to the phobia stage and tend to require professional intervention. I used to be afraid of some of the aforementioned, particularly dogs and thunder & lightning. Over time the fears have dissipated and I've come want a dog of my own and I enjoy the grandeur of nature's symphony during a storm.

Since the incident with Peggy last weekend, I've been thinking about fear: what fears I may have and how these fears have impacted my life.

What has fear kept me from trying, tasting, achieving, enjoying, smelling, touching...
How has fear kept me bound, gagged, paralyzed, confused, dumbfounded...
Which fears are of irrational, irrelevant, out-of-date...

It is not enough to think about my fears, I must admit I have them, name them and face them head on if I'm to overcome them. Over the next few weeks, I will begin the work of facing my fears head-on. I don't expect to quell all of my fears in a matter of days; however, I do expect to recognize them and start putting them into perspective, getting control of them vs. letting them control me.

I have a lot of work to do, which is one thing I know I'm not scared of.

My statement of Freedom

2009-06-01T11:23:00.004-04:00

Coming from the not-for-profit sector, I had gotten used to living with what I needed and doing without a lot of what I wanted. I had purchased my own home; my Mother had given me a few pieces of nice jewelry; and I had taken a couple of vacations to the Caribbean. Many of these things I had come by at great sacrifice. As a single professional woman, I've was determined not to wait for man to give me anything and I enjoyed the satisfaction of getting them on my own.

Then in 2005 I started a new job in corporate America, which allowed for some financial freedom. One of the first things I purchased was a diamond ring. I went to the store and picked it out in 10 minutes. It was my greatest investment to date, it was a symbol of my independence from society's rules...not waiting for a man to give me one, alas buying my own diamond ring. It was a 1 carat total weight, comprised of four 1/4 carat stones set in white gold and it was mine. For a modest ring, it had amazing clarity and brilliance.

I wore it with pride everyday and often received complements on it, and I would humbly say thank you. Only my parents and a few friends knew I had purchased the ring. I didn't care if anyone else knew that I bought the ring; however, what the purchase represented was personal, as it was a symbol to me each morning when I put it on my finger. It was small token of what I had accomplished.

In January I spent a few days with my elderly parents and I accidentally left the ring there. I asked my Mom to bring to me the following week (they were coming for dinner). Needless to say, she misplaced it. I was and remain heartbroken by the loss.

I feel as though I have lost a part of myself. There are still times after these many months that I reach for it, then I realize I don’t have it any longer.

I want another ring...I want my freedom.

Some Goals

2009-05-29T15:14:00.005-04:00

Got some goals, wanna know 'em, here ya go:

1. get mentioned in Washingtonian magazine
2. disciplined blogging everyday
3. lose 40lbs (and I ain't saying where I'm starting from, so don't ask)
4. live in a home on the beach
5. own an Irish wolfhound
6. go on a luxury African safari to Tanzania & Kenya
7. have a mentally stimulating, spiritually rewarding & sexually satisfying committed relationship
8. sleep in the Lincoln bedroom
9. be on national TV (I can live w/ being in the outdoor crowd at the Today Show )
10. have a life filled with love, laughter and respect
11. maintain a relationship with and developing a greater dependence on my God
12. win

This is not all of them and aren't in any particular order. Some I am actively pursuing and others are on the back-burner for a minute. It's all good.

What are some of your life goals?

#MusicMonday

2009-05-03T22:02:00.001-04:00

This song got to me in a BIG way.

Renting a man

2009-04-22T08:23:00.001-04:00

Mobile post sent by ShannonRenee using Utterli. Replies. mp3

I chew my cabbage once and then I swallow

2009-04-12T21:32:00.004-04:00

I chew my cabbage once and then I swallow.

My 7th grade teacher, Sister Ann Rosalia, was the first person I ever heard use the phrase. Once I had the maturity to understand what she meant, it became part of me, my life. To that end, I don't repeat and I don't go back; if someone gets put of or walks out of my life then they are gone.

Alas, an opportunity has presented itself to me, which would require me going back and I'm not sure. I'm having an internal conflict because one of the other mantras by which I live is that if I want different consequences, then I have to make different decisions. And going back would definitely a different decision than what I would normally do in this situation.

Oh lawd, who knows what's going to happen...choosing one mantra over the other...what would Buddha do? LOL

Liar, liar, pants on fire

2009-04-10T23:31:00.005-04:00

Why do men insist on lying to me?

1. Do I look fragile?
2. Do I present myself as someone who will fall apart?
3. Do I appear as though I'm incapable of comprehending the truth?
4. Do I come across in any way other than as a mature, thinking and reasonable woman?
The answer is hell-f*cking-NO!!!!

Why the hell can't men just tell me the fucking truth? Give me the information and knowledge necessary to make an informed decision for my damn self, instead of him making it for me.

1. The truth shall set you free.
2. I will find out the truth eventually.
3. I am the only motherf*cker who has the right to make decisions for me.
4. When I inevitably find out, I'll be madder than if you had been straight with me from jump.
Unlike Tom Cruise...I can handle the f*cking truth a$$hole!

Speechless

2009-04-09T22:49:00.002-04:00

There is nothing for me to say.

yes, I love him

2009-04-01T05:47:00.004-04:00

yes, I love him
I loved him before we met, before he touched me physically

it hurts like hell
I will live and do what I need to do, even without him...much to my regret

I can admit my feelings for him
I can face them and deal with them

I can put them in the folder with the hopes of what might have been

I shouldn't and I do.
I don't want to and I do.
I will get over him and I don't want to.

I want the fairy tale

2009-03-25T22:53:00.003-04:00

I believe in the fairy tales.

* I want a marriage that will make my friends wish their relationship was 1/2 as good as mine is with my husband.
* I want to love him with every fiber of my being everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.
* I want him to adore me without hesitation, doubt or question.
* I want he and I to be the couple that other folks can't stand to be around because we are so into each other.
* I want to him to reach those places in me that only my God and I know.
* I want to go to those places in him that he hasn't been to since he was a boy.
* I want to trust my husband with my very life and have him trust me with his.
* I want an honest relationship, calling each other out when our sh*t stinks and praising each other when deserved.
* I want to be second only to his God, not his family, children, job, etc.
* I want us to be each other's bestest friend in the whole wide world.
* I want to consume him and be consumed by him.
* I want to explore our sexuality, our fantasies and go to the place of intimacy where two become one.
* I want a marriage built on communication, trust, dependability, respect and forthrightness.
* I want us to laugh and cry together.
* I want to walk beside him as equals in life; behind him to support his hopes & dreams; and in front of him to shielding him with prayer & encouragement; and I want the same from him.
* Yes, I want it all and then some and you'll notice, I'm not asking anymore of him than I would give of myself.

It may be a fairy tale, and I may never find this kind of love. Does that mean I don't look for it?

Waiting for me

2009-03-21T17:22:00.002-04:00

I travel a lot for my job. I'm constantly getting on & off airplanes, which I don't mind; I enjoy flying, traveling and meeting new people. The annoying part is when I land at my home airport, I have a routine:

1. head to baggage claim
2. use lavatory in baggage claim area, not as much traffic as terminals
3. wait for luggage
4. get luggage and proceed to parking shuttle
5. flag down appropriate shuttle and board
6. arrive at parking lot and get dropped off at car
7. drive home

It is steps 3 and 7 that cause me some hesitation...expressing my angst in twitter-ese.

1. No one is there to meet me at the airport and no one is there to meet me at home....#suckit
2. Empty house after long business trip...#Fail

Getting to Happiness

2009-03-14T16:54:00.005-04:00

At the SXSW keynote address, Zappos.com CEO, Tony (@zappos) suggested we do this, that and the other thing to get to the end result of happiness, thus why not cut out the middle steps and get to being happy (serious paraphrasing on my part)...makes a lot of sense.

So, what makes me happy, truly happy?
Is that the goal for my life, to be happy?
Do I want to be in a perpetual state of happiness?
Is my purpose in the universe to be happy or to even pursue happiness?
Do I know what happy is?
Will I be able to recognize it?
When I have been happy?
Who have I been happy with?
In a relationship, a man and woman will say to each other, "you make me so happy." Is that possible? Doesn't that then mean they can make the other unhappy? Do I want to give someone the power to make me happy or unhappy?
Is happiness a form of contentment and satisfaction or vice versa?

Too many questions and I don't have answers...yet.

what I'm feeling

2009-03-09T19:52:00.004-04:00

I can't believe the depth of feelings I have for him.
I wake up, he's in my thoughts.
I go to bed, he's in my dreams.
Throughout the day, I see him everywhere, the slightest thing reminds me of him, us.
We barely know each other and its like we've known each other for years.
We have so much in common and not just the normal stuff; its as if we are in each other's heads.
He is gorgeous, with a beautiful smile, broad shoulders, strong hands and bright, sensitive eyes.
I'm head over heels in desperately deep like for him.
This isn't infatuation or lust, I've turned down opportunities with other men because I believe in him and our feelings for each other.
We can be excellent together; I know it with every fiber of my being.
I hope I don't get hurt, and if do, 'tis better to have [liked] and lost than never to have [liked] at all.

My Life

2009-03-03T15:09:00.003-05:00

It is mine and I'm taking control...right here, right now.

My parents had 0-21.
They gave me life, taught, raised, nurtured, supported, fed, clothed, housed, exposed and loved me.

I willingly gave 21-29 to Harper, Jarvis and Patrick.
They took, used, mistreated and left me.

I willingly gave 30-39 to Ronald and Marvin.
They made me laugh, loved me in their own way and left me.

I'm willing to give him 40-until.
He will love, respect, value, appreciate, make love to me.

My Reality

2009-02-20T20:12:00.006-05:00

I used to be innocent, naive and trusting. I used to want to believe the best about people. I used to think that there weren't people out there who intentionally hurt others. I was able to believe these things because of my upbringing. I had loving, caring and supportive parents, who did everything they could to protect from the harsh realities of the world. I had a great extended family that encircled me with kindness and compassion.

As an adult I know the truth. It has taken 40 years and I've learned the lesson well. Most folks are all about getting what they can get for themselves; most folks don't give a damn about anyone but themselves; and most folks would see me dead & buried before they extend themselves to offer a hand. I've had friends abandon me, men cheat on me, and some even to put a hand on me in a hurtful manner. People have lied to my face, stolen from me and [a man took] what was only mine to give. It would be easy to make this a man bashin' post; I'm not going to do that (this time). This is about me.

Over time I've learned I can only trust me, myself and I. Its not that all men are bad or all women are shrews, its that I need people with integrity around me -- folks who will say what they mean and mean what they say and they will do what they say when they say. Too often I've had folks close to me who have fallen short, and I don't mean once or twice, I mean multiple times. Some of them have done it purposefully and others not, whatever the case, I give them 2 chances then I cut them loose. Be clear, I don't expect anymore from them than I'm willing to give.

I wish things were....
I wish folks would....
I wish I could....

Whatever, do me wrong once, you get a pass, do me wrong twice...there won't be a third time.

Cliffhanger

2009-02-16T21:10:00.006-05:00

I'm scared. I'm falling into an old habit.

I don't want to and when I try to not to, all I can think about is doing it again.

I am better than this. I am more disciplined than this. I am in control of my life.

How did it even get to this point?
How did I let it get this far?
Am I that frickin' desperate?

Good news: I haven't completely gone over the cliff.
Bad news: I'm definitely driving full speed ahead towards edge.
Worse news: I don't care if I go over; I want what I want.
Worst news: I going over the cliff with my eyes wide open and I'm dragging at least two other folks with me.

I am such a pathetic loser, and don't try to tell me I'm not. Don't try to make me feel better. Don't try to rationalize what I'm doing. Just let me be in my misery and leave me ALONE!

Thelma!
Louise!
I'm on my way...save me spot over the cliff.

Marrying for Love

2009-01-31T17:49:00.006-05:00

If I were to ever consider marriage, I have to have the kind of love that Nicholas Cage speaks of in the clip. It must be consuming, messy, heart-breaking love that makes me wanna give him the world at all costs and reciprocally, entangles his life in pursuing whatever it takes to fill my life with unending goodness. It is the deep, unyielding, abiding love of each other that keeps us going day after day, even when we want to give up on each other and the marriage. When the going gets tough, I need to able to recall why I married this man; I need to remember his love for me; and more importantly, I need to remember my love for him.

To answer Tina's question, that is what love has to with it.

2009-01-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

Where is he? Has he come and gone?

Where is the man who could walk into a room with me and have everyone wonder who we are?
... pray with me and for me?
... make me feel safe in the after-hour joints?
... love me in my lingerie, my sweats and my after-five attire?
... whisper my name so tenderly that I knew he would never hurt me?
... make me wet by saying my name or holding my hand?
... make me laugh 'til my sides ached?
... let me hold him and love him?
... discuss current events, debate world politics and agree to disagree?
... appreciate the arts, museums and traveling the world?
... allow me to see his softer side without feeling threatened?
... honestly share himself with me?
... love me all night?
... let me be me, the vulnerable, silly, insecure, goofy, scared me?
... let me talk, share and grow close to him?

Did I miss him while I let myself be distracted by some fool?
Did he miss me as he spent time in the arms of another woman?
Did I turn him off with a sarcastic remark or was his first impression off-putting to me?
Did our paths cross at a restaurant, in a concert, on a park bench, while riding the elevator?
Did we miss each other in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of life, him going right and me going left?

Where is he? Has he come and gone?

Thankful to God

2009-01-26T19:20:00.007-05:00

I'm so thankful to God, my Father, Jesus the Christ, my Redeemer, and the Holy Spirit, my comforter & companion. I am blessed beyond measure and have absolutely NO right to ever complain, whine, *sigh*, or in any way act unappreciative or entitled.

God has blessed me more than I can possibly imagine or write about and I know God will continue to bless my socks off. I am truly humbled by his daily blessings, his minute-by-minute miracles and his second-upon-second unending source of love, grace, mercy, compassion and forgiveness.

As the songwriter put it, to God be the glory for the things he has done.

because they couldn't

2009-01-11T14:02:00.006-05:00

I graduated from college because so many weren't allowed to learn to read & write
I went to church this morning because Betty will never go again
I own my own home because others had been locked out
I own rental property because my parents dreamed of owning some
I voted for Barack Obama on election day because my grandparents couldn't
I go to work Monday - Friday because my father worked everyday
I willingly serve others because millions were forced to do it
and I live because they lived

So many things I take for granted, I try not to. It is my desire to be thankful, grateful, appreciative of everyone, everyone, everyone and everything in my life. I know it doesn't have to be this way; I know my blessings are from God; I know that it is only God's grace, mercy, love, care, kindness and compassion that gives me breath every second of every day.

Sunday morning is the loneliest time

2009-01-11T08:23:00.006-05:00

Sunday mornings have become the loneliest time of the week for me. As a child, it was busy, busy busy. By the time I awakened, mother was already switchin' the kitchen preparing a big country breakfast. Daddy would be in the living room or at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. Even as a young adult, when mother and I returned from early service, the routine would begin, put coffee on, change clothes, start breakfast, read newspaper, watch morning news shows and dish family gossip. It was great!

It is not like that for me now. I awaken to an eerily quiet home. There isn't anyone or anything switchin' anywhere. I have to make the coffee, cook my breakfast and get the paper, none of which is an issue; however, the silence is deafening. There isn't any witty banter, discussion of current affair or learning who in the family is doing this, that or the other thing. My immediate family may be few in number, but we're large in conversation, gossip and opinion.

I've lived alone for several years, so quiet Sunday mornings is nothing new. What is new is that I'm now going to the late service. I have 2-3 hours in the house before I leave for church and it is hard for me. If going to bed alone is unpleasant, waking up alone is downright awful.

When it rains...it pours

2009-01-10T22:50:00.004-05:00

Today I lost a woman I respected, admired and "wanted to be like when I grew up."
Today I had to push away a friend in order to be more like the woman I "wanted to be like."

Doing the right thing sucks ass!

Appreciation for Everyday

2009-01-05T21:02:00.003-05:00

A friend reminded me that I need to be appreciative of everyday, not just hump days, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, holidays, birthdays, etc. There is value in everyday. The fact that God awakened me is enough of a reason to celebrate each day, no matter what day or date.

So often we take simple things for granted and I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to recognize the beauty, grace and generosity of everything and everyone I come across, as each is unique and a gift from our Creator.

2009-01-05T17:47:00.001-05:00

Mobile post sent by ShannonRenee using Utterli. Replies. mp3

2009-01-05T17:45:00.001-05:00

Mobile post sent by ShannonRenee using Utterli. Replies. mp3

2009-01-05T08:38:00.001-05:00

Mobile post sent by ShannonRenee using Utterli. Replies. mp3

Some things I learned about myself in 2008

2008-12-29T20:56:00.007-05:00

1. I need to pray and read my Bible daily.
2. I'm physically stronger than I thought.
3. I won't die if I'm alone.
4. I'm worth my weight in gold and more.
5. I am a good ballroom dancer.
6. I enjoy blogging, tweeting, uttering and being part of the online conversation.
7. My patience is rapidly wearing thin for stupidity.
8. I want a loving, supportive, nurturing and mature relationship.
9. I don't want to ever share a man again.
10. I want what I want and I don't want to compromise.
11. I am blessed beyond belief.
12. DNA doesn't determine my true family.
13. I decide who is sitting in the orchestra seats of my life.
14. There are some things better than sex.
(I didn't believe it at first)
15. Today's decisions determine tomorrow's consequences.
(already knew this, thought it was worth mentioning again)

Text for Sex

2008-12-16T22:02:00.008-05:00

I've seen the future, it is now and I don't like it: an ex sent me a text message for sex.

What happened to the booty call? I miss the 2am wake up call, the witty banter and the negotiations.

Now its a text message, which I usually miss because I keep my mobile in my purse when I'm home. I don't wanna type, have pithy repartee or negotiate at 2am in the frickin' middle of the night.

Damn, guys...call a sista!

I promise you'll get better results.

I want to have sex

2008-12-15T19:38:00.004-05:00

I want to have sex...

with a man,
a tall, intelligent, humorous, kind, well-spoken man

in a bed,
that has been freshly made with a new set of 600-count Egyptian cotton sheets

on a cold day,
in front of a roaring and crackling fireplace

when the rain is beating against the window,
to the beat of our hearts

while listening to soulful, sultry sounds.
and having him whisper naughty things in my ear

No need to say anymore on the subject.

1st post

2008-12-11T07:20:00.002-05:00

This is my 1st posting since turning 40. I don't know why I haven't posted. I've been online; I've been tweeting and I've been reading & commenting on others blogs.

It's been interesting so far. Since turning 40, I've been diagnosed with a form of arthritis; had some sort of stomach virus; at least 10 folks have been laid-off from my job; and I can't seem to get laid. I was supposed to have birthday sex; however, the asshole forgot to bring a condom, thus I only had birthday foreplay. By the way, I'm DONE with online dating, details to follow later.

I did hear from Marvin on my birthday; I had had fantasies of him surprising the night of my party. He called to wish me a happy birthday and we chatted for a few minutes. It was the first time we had spoken since I ended our relationship in September, and we haven't spoken since then and we won't. I miss him and think of him daily.

Fuck it. I'm 40 and I'm here, which is better than the alternative.

Note to self: Remember, I'm making better decisions now.

Seven Days & Counting

2008-11-01T15:44:00.004-04:00

I will be 40 years old in 7 days (God willing).

I am not married and I am not in a committed relationship.
I have loved and been loved by wonderful men, who I am glad I did not marry...one of us would be dead and the other in jail.
My next relationship is around the corner; I can feel it.

I do not have my PhD.
I do have my Masters degree and I have finally found a doctoral program that I'm interested in pursuing.
Georgetown is calling my name; I'll be there in August 2009.

I have not been to Africa, Asia, South America or Australia.
I have been to Canada, Europe, throughout Caribbean and across the US.
I'm going to back all of those regions, plus Africa in 2009 woohoo!!!!!

I can not speak another language.
This is a project for 2009.

I have not bungee jumped or ridden a zip line.
I jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 feet and I took 2 helicopter rides, one over the Grand Canyon.
Not sure if anything daring is in the plans for 2009.

I have not seen a bullfight.
I have been to a Washington Redskins home game.
I will go to Redskins next Superbowl game (hopefully I won't have to wait until I'm 50.

I have not won an Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Obie or Grammy.
I have won top regional ballroom dancing awards.
My first national competition is next month -- OMG!

I have not lost the weight I thought I would have by now.
I have not gained any weight this year.
This a project for 2009 (and beyond and beyond and beyond).

I have not begun journaling.
I started 2 blogs, have 20+ online community profiles and am meeting all kinds of intelligent, interesting and entertaining people.
I want to make these efforts profitable in 2009.

I do not have a best friend.
I have lots of fulfilling relationships with men & women around the world (thanks Twitter).
I love my tweeps.

I am in debt.
Who isn't?
I will be debt free in 2009.

I have built a strong Shaklee business.
I have Shaklee-ized my home, attended the conventions and have all the tools to explode onto the scene.
I will at least be a Director by June 30, 2009.

I have not run for political office.
Yeah, considering my first 39 years, this is coming off the list.

At a glance, I would say the first 39 have been pretty good w00t!

I've lost my fantasy

2008-10-28T05:44:00.004-04:00

I'm tremendously irked!!!!

I'm having trouble taking care of my needs (hint, hint) because I've lost my fantasies. Since I've let go of the men, who were physically or emotionally unavailable to me, I have also mentally let go of them. This is an unexpected consequence and I ain't happy 'bout it.

I know some folks can fantasize about movie stars, co-workers or strangers they see on the street, none of which works for me. I use memories of past liaisons, all of which have seemingly been suppressed by my frickin' inner need to move on from them. WTH!

I want them back (wah, wah, wah). I miss my fantasies; I long for my memories and I'm craving an orgasm!

This doing the right thing stuff is for the birds.

Does it ever end

2008-10-17T23:17:00.004-04:00

Being alone isn't bad.

Being lonely isn't bad.

Being alone and lonely isn't bad.

The gut-wrenching fear that you'll be alone & lonely forever is dreadful.
This is where I am as I approach 40.

Everything in my life is excellent...

2008-10-13T16:40:00.003-04:00

Everything in my life is excellent, loving family, caring friends, job I enjoy and a warm home.

Question: Then why am I feeling soooooo blah?????
Answer: I don't have anyone to share in my life's blessings.

Let me clarify a few points.

I'm not referring to sex or sexual partners.
I'm not referring to a husband.
I'm not referring to good girlfriends, sistagirls or BFFs.

I am referring to someone with whom I can enjoy the theatre or a good movie, go out dinner or cook dinner with, travel, sight see & explore, sit home and watch Boston Legal, cheer on the Skins, discuss politics, current events and celebrity gossip.

This past week I was in one of the most romantic areas I've ever experienced. There were quaint towns, charming villages, beautiful scenery, spectacular art and I was utterly alone and simultaneously lonely in the midst of our tour group.

It was a palpable loneliness, which I've previously experienced. It is suffocating, physically painful and at times seemingly unbearable. As an only child, I've been alone all of my life and I'm clear on the difference between being alone and being lonely. Most of the time they are mutually exclusive and at other times they collide into tsunami of emotional overload.

This is where I am right now, in a tsunami of being alone and being lonely, and it is becoming unbearable. What am going to do?

I Hate This

2008-10-13T00:10:00.003-04:00

I hate this feeling...being lonely.

I hate traveling & vacationing to wonderful, romantic, exciting & exotic places around the world by myself.

I hate coming home to an empty house after being away, having a long day at work or going through a tough dance class and being by myself.

I hate how often I have to use my vibrator because none of my regulars are available when I want to fuck.

I hate that I can't call my friend to share any of the great stuff happening in my life.

I hate I'm turning 40 in three weeks and won't have a special someone to be there with me.

I hate what I see in my immediate future because it holds more of the same, more time alone & lonely.

I hate feeling like this, like I'm whining and being ungrateful for all of the truly magnificent blessings I have and focusing on the 1/2 empty portion of the glass.

Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cold Turkey

2008-09-23T22:50:00.003-04:00

This was the first time in a llloooonnnnggggg time I haven't spoken to Marvin on a weekday/weeknight. We have our patterns and habits and breaking them is awful.

I want to talk to him. We make each other laugh; we discuss politics, current events, movies, etc.; we yell, holler and cuss at each other; and we always talk to each other about our lives. The worst part, I can't call him. I deleted his numbers from my cell phone (to avoid falling into temptation, this isn't the first time I've tried to leave him) and I don't have them memorized.

I want my friend!

Turning 40 is becoming a pain in my fucking ass with all this self reflecting and self improvement bullshit. I was perfectly fine in my imperfect state of delusion, denial and self-destruction.

Damn, damn, damn!!!!!!!!!!!!! (throwing punchbowl on the floor)

It is finished

2008-09-23T01:12:00.002-04:00

To quote the Bible as my post title, it is really over between Marvin and I.

Good news: We laid in bed together and he held me as I cried. For the first time in our relationship, he gave me what I needed, it was just too little and too late.

Bad news: This is temporary, it isn't me being melodramatic or him being chivalric; this is for real. It is finished and I hate that it is.

I can honestly say that my pain has nothing to do with the sex, rather it has everything to do with the loss of a loved one. Now to deal with this in an equally mature is the next feat.

Damn it all!!!!!

I've been such a flippin' idiot!!!!!!

2008-09-21T12:28:00.006-04:00

For 16 damn years I've loved Marvin and he doesn't love me. I've been waiting, hoping, believing he would come around. What the hell was I thinking!?!

Marvin doesn't love me. He really doesn't love me. He likes me a lot, we have fun and interesting daily phone conversations (he lives in CO), good times together when we see each other and great sex and he doesn't love me, at least in the way that I want and need. He isn't going to be with me under any circumstances, especially since that would require him leaving his wife and two children.

STOP!

Before y'all get all judgemental, I knew and loved Marvin before he got married and for several years at the beginning of his marriage, we only talked on the phone. No, his wife doesn't know about me, our friendship, our conversations, etc. I know it was and is wrong, very, very, very wrong. Let's move past this point, shall we.

Anyway, over the last four years, we've been able to see each other a lot, almost quarterly because both our jobs allow us to travel and we can arrange things with little problem. For instance, Marvin's here, in Vegas for work and I'm here for #BWE08. He begins work on Monday, so he came a couple days early, easy to arrange. AGAIN, I KNOW THIS WRONG, JUST HEAR ME OUT!

Well, this time it's different. It's as though I had an epiphany of sorts, like I woke up from a dream. I have finally realized he doesn't love me. He has told me as much before and I shrugged it off as stress, thinking he needed more time or something else equally ridiculous.

I have been such a fucking idiot!. OMG, I thought I was smarter than this; I never saw myself as "her," the dumb girl. I used to kid myself into thinking he loved me because why would he sustain a friendship/relationship with someone who didn't live in the same city; it had to be about more than the sex; there are easier ways to have an affair. Right? Wrong, dumb ass!!!!!

When Marvin leaves for his hotel tomorrow, it will be the last time I will ever see him. I don't want to talk to him anymore; I don't want to be his friend any longer and I definitely refuse to be his ho' from this day forward.

I'll beat myself up on the inside for the rest of the day, then start the healing process of letting go of someone I have loved for almost sixteen years to the day. Marvin can't and won't give me what I want and need, so why should I hold onto him and this completely & utterly fucked-up relationship.

I turn 40 years old in 6 weeks and I fucking REFUSE to turn this corner of my life with the same dumb shit that has held me back, held me up and held me hostage for the last 16 damn years (sooooo stupid).

I'm making better decisions this time around, beginning with this one. Good-bye Marvin.

Walking the walk I talk

2008-07-27T17:03:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago I made a decision and less than 3 weeks later, I abandoned my decision and fell back into old habits. I still believe in the decision I made; it was a good decision and the right choice for me.

The only thing stopping me from achieving my goals is me.
The only person who can make my life better is me.
The consequences of my life are in my control.

I'm choosing life. I'm choosing to live.

Decision made

2008-07-07T21:41:00.003-04:00

Let's see, from Sunday morning through Friday morning, I'd lost 6.5 lbs. The holiday weekend was tough, I stuck to the program on Friday, somewhat on Saturday and gave in on Sunday. When I weighed in this morning (week after I started), I had gained 4 lbs. back. Considering I'm still 2.5 lbs. lighter than my starting weight, I'm not upset. I know I got off track; I know how I got of track; and I know how to stay on track. I was on track today and will be on track until we reach the station.

My 2nd decision was to never diet again, I've made a lifestyle change and mental adjustment (1st decision is further down). If the doctor said I had to take insulin shots everyday for diabetes or else die, then I would. I look at my lifestyle change and mental adjustment in the same way, if I want to live a long and healthy life, then I have to do what is necessary and make the proper changes.

While looking good is important, it really isn't a motivator for me. To be honest, I'm attractive, look good in my clothes and can still get men's attention; therefore, "improving" how I look isn't incentive. Being healthy enough to enjoy my life is the motivation.

I was in Denver a couple of weeks ago; it is a beautiful city with mountains all around. While there, I took a couple of hours to visit Red Rock Amphitheatre. There wasn't a show, so visitors could walk down the steps (looked to be 1,000 of them) to the stage. Being that I was already a mile above sea level, then the thought of walking back up those steps turned me away from going to the stage and that did it for me.

My 1st decision was that my physical condition was not going to stop, inhibit or restrict me from doing the things I want to do or living the life I want to live.

I've made decisions and I'm not looking back. My body is only going to get stronger, healthier and better.

Theatre of Life (Step 1)

2008-06-18T09:16:00.000-04:00

Picture a theatre in your mind's eye, the orchestra seats are the most expensive, then the rear orchestra, first balcony and second balcony. Who is in the orchestra seats of your theatre, taking the best seats in your life...are they worthy of that position? For purposes of this demonstration, my theatre does not have box seating.

This idea began running through my mind as I've begun putting the guest list together for my 2nd 39th birthday celebration. I love all of my family, but I darn sure don't like all of them, want to party with all of them or spend money on all of them (y'all know I'm telling the truth, don't front). The term "friend" has become so ubiquitous that I had to consider and reconsider who is a friend, a sistahgrrrl, an associate, an acquaintance, etc.

How would make these decisions?
How could I make these decisions?
Was there a way to avoid these decisions?

In the end, I had to make the tough decisions because my budget wouldn't allow me to invite any and everyone I know or had ever spoken to in the last 39 years. And as we all know, most things like this come down to finances. So I developed a unbiased process and defined some criteria, which seems to have worked (keeping fingers crossed).

Step 1: Define the categories

1. Family: these are people with whom I share DNA, plus a few super-close family friends we call "cousins." The delineation is clear, blood relations are family, and in a lot of Black families other assorted "cousins" is the norm. These are the ties that have bound me for almost 40 years; these are the ties that keep me grounded in who I am and whose I am; and these are the ties that may get a little weak from time-to-time, but they have never broken. To put this in perspective, think of the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," and you get the idea.

Note: As a Black woman, I probably should have used the movie "Soul Food" as an example; however, my family is closer in size and composition to the aforementioned. This is why folks are always tryin' to take my card...I represent when it's appropriate and salient.

2. Sistahgrrrlz: these are my good grrrlfriendz. In my mind they are a very specific group of women, who I've known for 16 years. We talk, eat out, share, go to movies, discuss and most importantly pray for each other. Together, we have celebrated successes, mourned losses and rejoiced in triumphs; we have a bond that was knit in the Spirit and it is the Spirit that keeps us together no matter how far apart we may drift. We are a group of 5-6 single, never been married, professional women with no children. Within the last 5 or so years, 2 of us have gotten married, not yours truly.

3. Grrlfriends: these are my friends. They are women who I can depend on and who can depend on me. We do stuff, we talk and have fun together. These are women I first met while working and have maintained contact since leaving the organization. They are intelligent, all having multiple degrees, politically astute and active, and have strong family ties. We collaborated on our jobs and supported each other's work. I would gladly work with any of them again.

4. associates: these are folks who I enjoy spending time with on occasion. I don't have a lot of folks in this category. I try to focus my energy on my existing relationships; however, this group is fun and keeps me laughing.

5. acquaintances and new folks: I have developed some tangential relationships with online "friends," and who's to say those relationships won't grow deeper and stronger.

Now, for the most part, these delineations don't change much, especially groups 1 and 2, though group 2 has had some deletions in the past. Group 3 has grown over the past couple of years as I moved to a new organization a few years ago and began working with more women. Groups 4 and 5 are the most fluid, with the ebbs and flows of people coming and going; however, a few of these people tend to move into 3, even if only for a short time.

More steps will follow as I get closer to mailing the invitations.

Oy!!! It's not a perfect system, it's a work in progress. As long as there are empty seats in my theatre, then the process will never be complete...and I'm glad about it.

Too much weigh, just enough time

2008-06-11T14:14:00.003-04:00

Okay, I'm off and running, well not physically, it's a metaphor. Anyway, I'm taking it one day at a time.

I had Cinch on Monday and Tuesday and ate sensible dinners and no snacks.
Working on getting my water consumption up to 8 glasses.

Monday - starting weight (none ya)

Wednesday - 1.2 lbs lighter

Movin' on up (down)!

Which Sports Car Are You?

2008-06-10T16:01:00.002-04:00

I'm a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Life is...(part 1)

2008-06-06T12:13:00.001-04:00

Life is comprised of a series of choices and consequences. How we act and react to the decisions we make each & every minute of our lives determines our lives. Even as children, while most decisions are out of our control, the reactions we have to the decisions elders make for us is paramount to who we will be as adults.

I came into the realization of this a few years ago and began making decisions for my life about the kind of life I wanted to live. It is a life filled with love, compassion, service, adventure, fun/laughter and respect for each person's humanity. Once I decided to live that kind of life, living became a bit easier as I began making decisions that will bring those attributes to me or allow me to share those attributes with others. As I have been "searching for authenticity" and preparing for my 2nd 39th birthday (yes, a small bit of denial is implicit in my philosophy), I've acknowledged and faced many of my bad decisions that lead to negative consequences, and I've also acknowledged many of my good decisions and their positive impact.

As I move towards November, I feel as though I've gotten better at making good decisions, my goal is to make better decisions. Good decisions aren't good enough anymore.

I'm on my way, still have a ways to go, gettin' there, one day, one step, one prayer at a time.

Circuit City's customer service disaster

2008-05-30T12:47:00.003-04:00

It has taken me a few days to be away from the situation as to where I can now write about it without using too many 4-letter words.

On Thursday evening, May 9th, I decided to take my laptop downstairs and tweet, blog, serf, etc. while watching TV and having a cocktail. I mean, this is the point of a laptop, the ability to take it with you and free you from a desk; however, my cocktail and my laptop didn't play well together, suffice it to say, I blew-up my motherboard. After several panicked phone calls to IT friends, the Geek Squad and God, I resigned myself to purchasing a new laptop.

First things first, getting the data off of my hard drive and onto a flash drive. The nice, albeit non-miracle working techs at Dell, suggested I take it Circuit City. They have an in-house "geek-squad" that could assist me. On Saturday I tootle down to CC, expecting this to be relatively painless; the ordeal I endured for the next two weeks was worse than getting my wisdom teeth pulled.

I give the Fire Dog tech (Circuit City in home geeks) my motherboard and they suggest an expensive large capacity flash drive, not knowing how much information will be transferred. Let me put a pin in that...I am an end-user. I don't know the difference between rams, gig, bytes, etc. and I don't want to know. I want to turn on my frickin' computer and have it work...They tell me to come back in 2 hours and everything will be done. So I leave, feeling satisfied and expecting a job well done because of the confidence they exuded and claims they made that they could do the job properly.

I come back in 2 hours and the data isn't finished moving from one to the other. The FD tech said I had of information and it was taking a long time. Another pin...this is my home laptop, not work, there were less than 100 word or excel docs, so I couldn't imagine what was taking so long...While the hard drive & flash drive continued to do their thing, I looked for a replacement laptop. While I was wholeheartedly disappointed that all of their computers ran Vista, and only Vista, I was able to find one at a reasonable price, plus the software, cost me less than the one I had drowned. However, to have them install the software would be another 2 hours, so I left excited about my new purchase. By this time the flash drive is loaded; I told them to keep everything together and I would get it all at once when I picked up my laptop.

Upon my return 2 hours later, the FD tech informed me the laptop wasn't ready and I should come back in about 45 minutes. I rolled my eyes and went next door for a sandwich. I went back picked up the laptop, hard drive and flash drive. When I asked about other equipment to use with the laptop, my air card, printer and wireless mouse, the tech said that I could load the software onto the machine and if it wasn't Vista compatible, then I could just download it from the appropriate web site. Cool, let's go home.

In case you lost track, I have been to the store 3 times in one day.

I always check my answering machine when I first get home. There is a call from the FD tech that they forgot to give me the software Cd's and that someone would bring them to my home tomorrow. Foul ball.

I get home, plug it in, turn it on and we're cooking with gas. I attach the flash drive and notice that NONE of my files I need are there. I don't know what they transferred from my hard drive, but none of it was my files. Strike 1.

I proceed to load the AT&T air card software, follow the steps and then restart. Nothing happens, I mean nothing happens. The machine came on and the screen remained black. Strike 2.

I have to call the store 3 separate times to finally get someone to assist me; I'm determined not to go back to the store that evening; it would not have been a pleasant experience for all parties concerned, not to mention the next day is Mother's Day and I'm having guests for brunch, including my own mother. Finally after having me do several unsuccessful things, the FD tech says I need to bring the machine in and I quickly respond that since someone is coming by tomorrow to drop off the software, he/she can take the machine back. The tech is amenable to my suggestion. Ball 1.

No one showed up on Sunday to deliver or pick-up a frickin' thing. I was home all day; I didn't even go to church because I was preparing for brunch. Foul ball.

On Monday I take the laptop, original hard drive and flash drive to Circuit City. I tell them that none of the files transferred and the laptop isn't working. First I had them exchange the pricey large capacity flash drive for a smaller less expensive one as the files took less space than they anticipated. Second I wanted them to fix my laptop; the asst. manager tried to give me grief about loading a non-Circuit City (aka Verizon) broadband software and I gently (ha ha) reminded him that I would not have done if the FD tech hadn't assured me that if it didn't work with Vista, I could download upgrades/patches from the web. He finally relented and said that it would take a few days because they would need to use recovery Cd's (do I know, no; do I care, no). I was going out of town, so I left it there for a week. Ball 2.

I returned home over the weekend and on Wednesday, May 21st I go to pick up the laptop, software, hard drive and flash drive. Before I take a step away from the counter, I have them check the flash drive. Low & behold, the files still aren't on it. They swear they have transferred everything, and quietly (ha ha) let them know they haven't. The FD tech plugs in my hard drive and I showed them the files I want. The tech said, "oh," then he transferred those files, which was a simple copy/paste, in 20 seconds. They assured me everything was fine with the laptop and that I should take it to an AT&T store to have them load the software properly. I walked out. Ball 3.

As I can't get online, I do other things. I set the laptop date and time; I set up the display and screen saver; and I do some other odds and ends to make it more mine.

The next day, I go to an AT&T store to have the air card software properly installed. I have another customer service saga about AT&T, which I'll go into later. The rep opens my computer, turns it on and it isn't working. He can't get to the connection manager; seemingly the laptop is again malfunctioning. I go home, have a cocktail and watch the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. I couldn't go back to Circuit City in the state I was in or else folks would have been physically hurt, including myself. Strike 3.

Friday morning I awaken feeling refreshed. I've come to a decision. I have my files on the flash drive; I'll just use my work computer. I was returning the laptop and software and getting every dime of money I had paid.

Circuit City and Fire Dog had struck out. I went there for the last time, determined never to go there again or spend another dime with them. Note: Ask JC Penney if I can get my goods & services from another store, I haven't been there in almost 20 years because of lousy customer service and I'm sure Target is very happy with my decision.

This makes a total of 5 times to the same store for the same unresolved issue.

I walk in, immediately ask for an operations director and tell them I'm returning the laptop. He gives it to a FD tech, who was able to get to the connection manager, at which time I let them know they can load the AT&T software onto the computer. The manager begins to hem & haw about loading it and I let him know, do it or keep it, the decision is his. He decides to do it and says it should only be 10-15 minutes and I can wait for it. Upon completion I test it before I move from the counter, and it still wasn't working. The manager says they will give me another computer and I can pick it up tomorrow. Do I have to tell you my answer? Using my indoor voice (ha ha) I told him I would gladly take it, but I'm not coming back into this store. He said a FD tech would deliver it to me tomorrow.

Well, I can say that on Saturday, May 24th, 2008, two weeks, 5 trips, untold hours, unmentioned & numerous 4-letter words later, I received my new laptop in working condition.

I am pleased that they continued working to get it right; however, I am still never going to spend another red cent there. It shouldn't take that much dang work to get it right!

Starting Over (again!)

2008-05-21T12:15:00.004-04:00

Yes, I've said it before, I've done it before and I've "meant it" before, but this time I really, really, really mean it.

According to my widget, I have 5 months 18 days until I celebrate my 2nd 39th birthday.

CAN YOU FRICKIN' BELIEVE IT!?! I'M GOING TO BE 40 YEARS OLD...OMG!!!!!!!!

This year, my 1st 39th year, is supposed to be about self-reflection, self-assessment and self-improvement, getting to the real Me, the authentic Shannon. As the year is a bit more than half gone, let's take stock at what we've learned or accomplished.

Spiritual

I am attending church regularly (again). It is difficult with my travel schedule to make every Sunday and I'm still making excuses when I don't attend. Needs some improvement
I haven't begun reading my Bible again. Needs a lot of improvement
I'm preparing meals for Calvary Women's Services monthly and I've taken a more active role on the board. Meets expectations

Intellectual

I haven't picked up a book in months (years). Needs a lot of improvement
I am back in grad school, but I haven't been diligent about doing the work. Needs some improvement

Professional

I've all but abandoned my Shaklee business and the goals I set for this year. Needs a lot of improvement
I'm knee deep in social networking/media (obviously). Exceeds expectations
I am still looking for FTE, and I have not been as aggressive as I could/should be. Needs some improvement
The investment property has been challenging; I have a new focus on retaining tenants for the long term. Meets expectations

Personal (if I must)

My circle of associates and contacts is growing. Exceeds expectations
I have been asked to serve on a couple of other non-profit boards. Exceeds expectations
I got out of the habit of taking my vitamins. Needs some improvement
I have not started exercising and I have not lost a single pound. Needs a lot of improvement
and to top it all off, I'm not in a meaningful relationship. No improvement necessary

Now, so as not to fall into a deep depression of failure, I can say that some of these are in progress and are in need of nudging or consistency to meet expectations; however, there are some bullet points that have not progressed an inch in 6+ months.

The good news, in fact the best news - it's not too late to get started and keep moving forward. For instance, I've done Cinch for 2.5 days (will finish 3rd day tonight). Yeah for me!

I'm gonna celebrate the baby steps, as well as the leaps of progress.

I'm out there & I'm loving it!

2008-05-01T20:07:00.001-04:00

Catch on a variety of social networking sites.

Mobile post sent by ShannonRenee using Utterz. Replies. mp3

Morning Blessing

2008-05-01T20:03:00.001-04:00

Wishing everyone wonderful day.

Mobile post sent by ShannonRenee using Utterz. Replies. mp3

Morning affirmation

2008-04-23T12:42:00.003-04:00

Mobile post sent by ShannonRenee using Utterz. Replies. mp3

Back in the Saddle (AGAIN)

2008-04-15T11:10:00.002-04:00

Yes, I've said it more than once. Yes, I've told y'all a couple of times. And yes, I've done it a couple of times.

I starting Cinch. My birthday is in 6 months, 24 days and I've got be at my fighting weight. I've gone a week and done okay. No, I didn't weigh myself when I began last Monday. I'll do it tomorrow; I have to buy a digital scale.

My motivation this time: I saw my video of my dancing at the beginning of the month. My dancing was great; my makeup was perfect and the dress was nice; however, I looked like I could have given birth at any moment. I was embarrassed and ashamed at how I looked on screen.

Oh hell no, I can't, I won't and I will never look like that again as long as I can help it.

I've been working the Cinch plan and walking a bit more, which is my weakness - exercise. Now that the weather has seemingly broken, tomorrow I'll start walking in the mornings.

Continue to pray for me, my spiritual and mental well-being and for the strength to become what God would have me to be.

Thanks.

Blog Relaunch - Name Change

2008-03-31T07:59:00.003-04:00

You may have noticed that I changed the name of my blog. As I mentioned when I started this site, it's about finding my authentic self, and while my weight is a big part, it is only a PART of the journey. So, to be true to the journey and to myself, I had to change the title. I would have taken this one down and started a new blog, but I didn't feel like it. This is a perfectly good site and I like what I've done with it so far, just needed to update the name.

I come to a couple of realizations about the journey, I thought it started when I started the blog, actually it began when I was born. I know, deep; I can't stand folks who are deep all the darn time, so I'll try not to be one of them. Further, I will speak in the 1st person. It would be easy to speak in the plural and generalize, but that isn't authentic. There isn't a "we" or "us," there is only a "me." Also, I won't be speaking of myself in the 3rd person. Why do people do that? It is finger nails on chalkboard annoying. Finally, I will always tell you the truth, not because I want to, it is always easier to fudge, skip, delete or "forget" details; however, you deserve the truth. As someone on this journey with me, taking the ride, seeing the sights and buying souvenirs, you deserve the unadulterated truth at all times. Now, that being said, I may change names to protect the innocent, the guilty and to avoid being sued, but the facts will be true blue.

Thus, the real journey to myself is taking place every second of minute of every day and it's gonna be a hoot. I'm on my way world, look out!

Houston, we have a problem

2008-03-30T16:54:00.002-04:00

OMG!

I've eaten an entire box (13 pieces) of chocolate covered macadamias. I didn't do it at one sitting or in one day, but still, it's a shame and a sin. My mother has this great way of excusing certain behaviors, which I'm about to employ.

It's okay to eat whatever I want because I'm on vacation. Not being on vacation is gonna suck.

Time Out

2008-03-25T16:22:00.002-04:00

I'm taking a time out.

I'm on vacation in Hawaii and I want to enjoy myself, and yes, that means eating what I want, when I want and prepared how I want. I'll regroup when I get home on Wednesday, April 2.

Talk to you in a few days.

D-Day is approaching

2008-03-13T20:59:00.002-04:00

My birthday is 7 months and 26 days from today, and I haven't done a dang-blang thing to get to my authentic self. I'm not eating right or exercising on a consistent basis. I've fallen off the wagon with my vitamins and water intake. AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Well, it isn't all bad. I'm blogging a regular basis, which is first for me. I've tried keeping journals and diaries for years with no success. I have stopped watching as much television as I was a month ago (thank you writer's strike for helping me break the habit). I'm dancing 6 times a week (3 double lessons) and am ready for my next competition in a couple of weeks. BTW, I'm ready to publicly admit that my ballroom dancing is one of my passions. Yes, I love it and I don't ever want to stop doing it. I know that "admitting the addiction" is the first step to a cure, but I don't ever want to be cured of this.

I leave for Honolulu in a couple of weeks and I have to buy a swim suit. I had hoped to at least be down 1 dress size by now, but to no avail. I'll have to get one in my size, which is "healthy." I'm told, "I carry my weight well," what the hell does that mean? I'm fat, but it's okay because I'm not sloppy or smelly or I'm fat and you know to dress for your size so as not to draw attention to access pounds. Whatever the meaning, I don't want to carry anything more than I'm supposed to as a 5'7" woman.

I'm trying to convince myself that it will be easier in the spring and summer because I'll be able to walk outside...b***sh**! I won't do anything about how I look until I'm sick & tired of looking the way I do. This is where the problem lies, I look pretty good for a fat chick. I do dress well to cover, hide, camouflage, etc. those problem areas. I keep my hair done, know how to wear make-up and put out a positive attitude of self confidence and self assurance, regardless of my weight.

So, what to do? How do I jump start my determination, invigorate, motivate and agitate my current state of mind?

Weighing Me (us) Down

2008-03-03T17:40:00.003-05:00

As part of getting to my authentic self, I'm getting healthier, losing weight, exercising regularly and paying attention to what I eat. One of the easiest ways to lose some unwanted pounds is to put down some of the baggage I've been carrying. It is harder than it sounds; like my hips, I've had some of that stuff for a long, long time.

Just like extra body fat, we can get used to the emotional baggage. When our bodies expand horizontally, we buy bigger clothes with spandex to offer the "comfort fit." In the same manner, we create comfort fits in our minds as well, to the layman they're known as excuses. However, our hearts never fail to feel the effects of our outwardly appearing emotion comforts.

Physically, our hearts work harder to pump blood through miles of arteries, traversing fatty tissue along the way. Emotionally, our hearts work harder as we expend it's most precious gift loving those who don't, won't or can't love us back.

Well, I'm getting rid of ALL of my excess weight; the physical and emotional pounds are holding me down holding me up and holding me hostage to a dream of comprised of wouldas, shouldas and couldas.

All I can say is watch out for what is coming this November. My authentic self is going to be AWESOME!

Stumbling block

2008-02-27T08:38:00.003-05:00

I was in Jamaica last week for my cousin's wedding, read Shannon Sez So for information on that event, and I did "okay" on my calorie consumption. The food wasn't the problem, it was the rum punch, Bob Marleys and Blue Moons that caused the hiccup (literally & figuratively).

All-inclusive resorts are similar to cruises, food and beverages flowing close to 24/7. I did pretty well on the food side. I ate my Cinch meal replacement bars for breakfast, had healthy lunches and dinners, paying attention to eat vegetables foods full of color and lean meat or seafood. The sun was beaming its warmth on the beach, the tropical breezes were blowing and the drinks were just so darn pretty and tasty. However, I did drink A LOT of water because I've learned the hard way that alcohol, sun and sugar (punch, grenadine, etc.) don't make for a fun vacation.

I did find a new way to enjoy my workouts, the Cupid Shuffle. It's a line dance, similar to the Electric Slide, only to a much better beat, better moves and all-n-all, more fun to do. While I seem to be coming into the knowledge of the CS after everyone else, no worries mon. I have it now and I'm gonna shuffle my way to a healthy me.

Back on the wagon

2008-02-19T23:33:00.003-05:00

So, while attending a conference in Palm Springs, I kinda fell off the wagon. I did okay with my eating, thanks in part to the resorts horrific cooking. I kept up with my daily vitamins and learned from this experience to keep my Cinch bars and meal bars nearby at all times. And I'm extremely proud of myself for some of the hurdles I leaped while there. I didn't have any of the complementary Frito-Lay snacks that were offered; I drank lots and lots and lots of water; and I didn't eat all of any of my desserts. Small steps, yet steps forward all the same.

On another note, I some interesting and insightful conversations with some women. One of the things I'm pondering is a question and realization that came to me after Reverend Dr. JoAnn Browning spoke on "Finding Your Purpose." If slave traders stole the best and brightest from the shores of Africa, then are we to be surprised by the chaos, confusion and inhumane activities of those left on the continent? Moreover, now that I have that consciousness, what am I supposed to do with it? How does this enlightenment help me get to my authentic self? How and/or is my authentic self tied to the continent?

I've been planning my trip to Africa for over 2 years and it has been a source of excitement, motivation and anticipation. For as many positive feelings I have about my trip, I have just as much trepidation. My brothers on the continent kill, maim and rape for seemingly no reason. My sisters are surviving, trying to thrive and have families in the midst of an unyielding hell.

Everyone I know, who has been to Africa, has been changed in some way. Some have changed in obvious outward ways, others in a less public fashion. How will my trip, my sojourn there change me? I'm open to the change, to the growth of my spirit and the revelations God has for me at the cradle of humanity.

One Day at a Time

2008-02-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

While it was a good show, right now it is more relevant to me as a daily slogan. I remember that the race is won by taking one step at a time and that even baby steps move forward. So, I'm moving forward, step by step, some strides are longer than others.

I did pretty good this weekend. I ate the right things and got exercise on Saturday. And on Sunday, I went out to brunch and had a crab & tomato omelet with a side of fruit and potatoes, which were baked, instead of being fried. The breakfast was delicious and my ONE mimosa was the perfect compliment. For dinner I had my Cinch, an apple and some baby carrots. I also took my vitamins and drank plenty of water. Those were good days.

Today was decent as well. I had my Cinch for breakfast and dinner and took my vitamins; it was lunch that was not my best effort. I had a half of tuna sandwich, but I ate it open face as to only eat 1 slice of bread, and I had a half of ham sandwich, this time I ate the meat sans all of the bread. These were not bad in themselves, (drum roll) it was the 10 bar-be-cue chips I had that did me in for the meal. I'm not going to beat myself up about the chips because I had worked-out
this evening and 1 divergence isn't going to deter my efforts or distract me.

It happened, it's over and I've moved on...to my next step, tomorrow.

Getting Started

2008-02-09T08:31:00.000-05:00

I have a lot to do this morning. I'm going to Reveal for a treatment, then I have a dance lesson, go to the hairdresser and finally, I have to pick up the temp who is helping me get organized. It isn't the most hectic day in the world, but it is busy. These are the kinds of days that make it difficult to be healthy. Running around usually equates to driving through or picking up, neither of which is good for my waistline.

So take some time, breath and make a plan:
1. Weigh myself - it sucks and I have to do it
2. Have a Cinch shake for breakfast, take my Shaklee vitamins and drink 1 glass of water
3. Have a cup of Cinch tea and an apple for morning snack
4. Plan on Chicken Out for lunch - a grilled chick salad & 2 glasses of water will do
5. Take a Cinch bar and 2 glasses of water for a mid-day snack
6. Have a Cinch meal replacement bar for dinner - gives my jaw something to do
7. Dance class will serve as my exercise for today.

Okay, this plan is reasonable, healthy and possible. I'll let you know how it goes.

Getting Ready

2008-02-08T20:46:00.000-05:00

Thus begins a journey back to my authentic self as I prepare for my 40th birthday in exactly 9 months. On my way, I hope and pray to discover the wonderful woman that is Shannon. I want to get to know her inside and out. What is she like in the privacy of her home; how does she portray herself in public, at work, with her family and friends?

It's a bit weird talking about myself in the 3rd person, but I feel I almost have to in order to distance myself enough to do the kind of reflection I want to do. As you can read from the my blog title, part of my discovery has a bit to do with weight loss. This is as much a part of me becoming as any meditation, reading or praying I could do.

So, I begin (yet again) to lose weight and like most of us. I've "set myself up to succeed" with the right foods in the house, a motivational photo of me at my goal weight and an outfit I want to get into by my birthday. The difference this time is that I have you all along for the ride with me. I have no idea where this is going to take me. I only know that the journey is far, far more important than the destination.

It's gonna be a fantastic ride...hold on tight.